Change is blowing in the wind.....

Doubt whom you will,  but never yourself. ~ Christian Bovee

Change.....that is really what the company I work for should be called.  :)   The company is going through yet another restructuring.  It goes through it every 5 years or so, and so this is my second time through.  This time is more in the open, at least with those of us techs on the floor.  Anyhow to make this long story short, there is going to be a lot of changes happening which include people moving to new teams, new departments and new roles.  This means that I could be moved anywhere in the plant to do any job and work any shift.   I am not a huge fan of change.  It is not a guarantee that I will be moved.  It is possible that one or more of my team mates, or even team leader could change.  Either way I am going to try very hard to embrace the change and grow with it.  I am writing this so that IF the change first feels difficult, I can come back and read this to remind me that I CAN embrace the change and promised myself that I would try my very hardest to do it.  I will keep you posted on how this works out.  I know I can do it, it is just a matter of how long it will take me to grieve my current happiness and comfort in my team/role and embrace and love my new team.

Outside of work, life is good.  I am working a lot of overtime, so there is not a lot of time other than work and sleep, but it is good.  My kids love to drive me crazy, which of course is their job  :)  My hubby seems to enjoy joining them in the cause, but I guess that is his job too lol.   I am looking forward to this weekend, (which starts tonight for me!) we have no plans, so a weekend of relaxing and getting caught up on house stuff is on slate for me.

My weight on the other hand is a challenge mentally for me (ok physically too).  It has gone up, I am sure that some of it is due to gaining muscle, but I know some is just weight.  It is so very frustrating.  I try so hard not to be hard on myself and stay positive, but it truly is a HUGE challenge for me right now.  Especially at work.  There are full length mirrors in every washroom/locker room and you can't avoid them since they stare you right in the face when you walk through the door.  I have always hated looking in the mirror (even when I was skinny.....man I was silly then) so seeing myself every day at least a few times a day is a constant 'in your face' reminder of how i feel/look.  :(     I wish I could love my body, but I just can't.  I try, believe me I do try, but that is one challenge that I honestly do not want to embrace, own or deal with period.  I want the magic wand, lypo suction, easy fix etc.  Does that make me shallow?  Weak?  Hypocrite?   Most likely, but at the same time that I want that magic wand I also know that I need to win this battle too.

I have been asked a lot of questions since 'coming out' about my journey.
Do I think that people who are suffering from depression are lazy.
    My answer "Absolutely Not", it is a debilitating disease that makes one self destructive.  Your body and mind play tricks on you.  It takes a lot of work, strength and endurance to want to get better.

Do I think that everyone can overcome the challenge?  
    That one is hard to answer.  I would love to say 'Of Course!!'  But as we all know that is not the reality of today.  I honestly believe that it takes a lot of hard work and support from family, friends, doctors and social workers to take on the challenge, BUT I also know that each journey is as individual as a snowflake.

Did I want the magic wand or happy pill?
     Do I really need to answer that?  Of course I did, but I had to come to the conclusion that it didn't exist, I am not a princess in fairy tale land.  Some may not be able to overcome the challenge no matter how much they want it, no matter how much support they have.  Just because we want something bad enough and work our hardest, isn't a guarantee that it will happen the way we want.  If that were the case, no one would die of cancer, be over weight or have pimples as teenagers.  Life is still life, all we can do is live it the best we can.  I wish I were a fairy princess in fairy land, then I wouldn't have been depressed, but then again I wouldn't be me.

Did you think of suicide?
      Yes and No.  Confused?  So was I.   I thought of it, but I also thought of my husband and kids and regardless of how I felt about myself, they love me.  I may insult/offend some people here, but it is my OPINION that suicide is an act of selfishness.  It is also a horrible trick that our minds play on us while we are depressed.  It is like the devil sitting on your shoulder, it often floats through the back of your mind, it is just when it makes it to the front of your mind that it is impossible to ignore.  My understanding, from speaking with my doctors and others who have thought of it and/or attempted it, that most often a suicide is not planned.  Sometimes it is simply a sudden, 'in your face', compelling thought that you just can't ignore, you just 'have to'.  Other times it is planned, it is that constant devil on your shoulder that wears you so far down that you believe that you have no worth, not just to yourself, but others.  This is what saved me, so to speak.  I have a husband that loves me and 2 beautiful children that also love me, so no matter how much that devil told me that I was worthless, I held on to the small thread that they loved me and I couldn't bare to leave my husband a widower and my children to grow up without a mother.  It was my love for THEM that gave me the ammo against that devil and the starting leverage to want to fight back.  I thank God everyday that my hubby fought for me too.  I don't know if I would have been able to find something else worth fighting for if he and the kids had left me too............

Tell your partner or spouse that you love them, hug your kids extra tight if you have them.  Even if you think you are all alone......you're not.  Someone loves you and will fight for you if you give them a chance.

You are not alone, I am here.  Keep walking to the light.

The end of a journey

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." - Jack Layton, July 18th, 1950 - August 22nd, 2011

While my journey continues on, Jack Layton's has ended, he may have gone on to another adventure, I guess it depends on what you believe.  If you don't live in Canada you might not know who Jack Layton was.  He was the leader of our Parliamentary Opposition party, the NDP.  While I did  not necessarily agree with his views, I did admire him for his passion.  He had deep beliefs and fought for them and what he felt was right for Canadians.  The above quote came from  his goodbye letter to all Canadians that he wrote 2 days before his death.  Of course his story is all over the news and to discover that when he knew his time was coming soon he took the time to make sure that the NDP would know where to go from here and on top of it all take a few minutes to write to all Canadians a 'fond farewell' of sorts......

I love his quote.  It truly is thoughtful and true.  If we could all remember to be 'loving, hopeful and optimistic' even during our darkest hour it would brighten the world even if only a little.   

Goodbye Jack and Thank you for all you have done for this country.  We need a great and strong opposition to keep us on the right path and you are the one who gave it to us.  I hope that your legacy will carry on in your predecessor.  Our thoughts and prayers are with your family as they grieve the loss of someone so loved.  

My journey has been interesting of late to say the least.  July was an extremely hectic time at work, full of overtime and stress.  The line I work on is not running as well as it should and so of course makes our jobs so much more difficult, not only to keep the line running and put cases out the door, but also to complete our other tasks AND to make improvements that will help the line run better.  Right now our time is spent 'firefighting' and trying to get through the day.  The last week leading up to my vacation, I was feeling very burned out and had a very very difficult time trying to keep from crashing.

Thankfully I made it to my vacation and had a fantastic time!  While plans changed, changed and changed again at seemingly the last minute, everything worked out alright.  We spent the first week at home 'chillaxin' as I like to call it.  I got some much needed sleep, some housework caught up and started packing for our trip.  We spent 2 days and a night in Quebec at a Zoo/Waterpark.  It was fantastic.  The first day was crazy busy and hot but we still managed to have some fun.  The second day was amazing.  The park was much quieter, it was slightly overcast at times, and we were able to go through the whole park and see all the animals much better than the day before.  We also spent a few hours at the water park just enjoying the sun and the water.  I'm not much of a water person, but I did truly enjoy it  :)  I drove the kids crazy wanting to take their picture on every animal statue their was.  We had a lot of laughs and it was nice being just us.  We came home for a day and then it was off to my In Laws for a couple of days.  We had a wedding to go to (the one I posted about earlier) Then it was time for me to leave my hubby and kids with my in-laws and come back home to an empty house to work 4 LONG night shifts.  I honestly didn't think I would make it through, but I did.  The 3rd night was really tough, but the 4th was alright.  I think a lot of that had to do with it being the last and once it was over I was going back to the in-laws to be with my family again.  I got there Friday morning, had a nap and then went over to the park where the kids were attending daycamp and were having their closing Talent Show celebration.   We were a bit late and had missed my nephew singing, but thankfully they had him sing again at the end (He sang O Canada, so they opened with him and decided to close with him too!)  My daughter sang a song with a new friend and my son did 'Kinetic Art' with another boy.  They setup a circle of blocks standing on their end and then knocked them over.  I was so happy to see them and know they had a good time that week.  The Saturday was a birthday party for my Dad and Brother (Dad turns 60 Sept 6th and my brother 31 on Sept 5)  Their neighbour had us over for a nice little lunch and visit to celebrate early.  It was a nice day.  Yesterday and today were relaxing and getting the yard work done as I go back to work tomorrow for a couple of days.  2 weeks from today is back to school already!  Back to school shopping next week.

I have no idea where my weight/measurements are at.  I am almost positive that I have gained some but I don't think it is too horrible.  I will have to check in on that soon I guess. Right now I am content with still fitting into my jeans lol!

Well that is it for today, I have dinner to get ready and some relaxing to do before bed.  Summer is too short, but on the plus side we have a beautiful Fall season coming and even after that the winter is beautiful too.  I love the Christmas season, but have a hard time getting through Jan and February.  Oh well 2 months out of 12 isn't bad ;)

Till next time...

Not according to plan

You are never a loser until you quit trying. ~ Mike Ditka

I am almost finished my first week of vacation.  I must say that nothing has gone according to plan so far, but in the same breath it has been nice to not have to go to work :)

We were supposed to go camping this weekend with good friends of ours, but they baled on us a few days before.  Then we were going to go to my in-laws for the weekend and take a day to go to my family reunion for the day.  That fell through yesterday.  My in-laws have some guests for the weekend so there is no room for us to stay.  We could still go to my family reunion but it is an awful lot of driving to go for a day.  The other thing is that we have to go to my inlaws on Monday to drop off our dog.  We are planning a trip to a Zoo/Waterpark in Quebec for a few days and my brother-in law agreed to watch our dear Daisy while we are gone.  So to make a trip today and then again in a couple days is too much.  With Gas prices as high as they are and our budget as tight as it is.....it just doesn't make sense to make 2 trips.

I am hoping that our Quebec trip goes well  :)

Yesterday we went downtown to check out a annual festival.  It was so hot, but the music was good, food great, but not a whole lot for the kids.  Sadly at the end of the time my son took a HUGE temper tantrum!  Which is so very much unlike him.  He continued on so much that he ended up getting himself grounded for 2 days.  He hasn't done that since he was little, he was screaming and stomping his feet and crying.  It all started because he played a game and lost, so he started to cry.  We told him that if he was going to cry over losing a game that we would be going home, no smoothie.  Well that is when he lost it.  We did go straight home and he spent the rest of the day with no XBox and will spend today without one too.  If he behaves today then he just might get it back tomorrow.

Next weekend we have a wedding to go to.  It should be a great time.  Then it will be back to work for 4 night shifts for me.  I am not looking forward to going back at all, not just because of the 4 night shifts, but because work has been so stressful.  Our line is not running well and everyone is worn out from the added stress, the extra now mandatory overtime and just pure frustration. 

Oh well I will take it as it comes and do the best I can.

For now I will enjoy today and the rest of my vacation regardless whether it goes according to plan or not. 

I hope you are enjoying your summer as well!

Little reminders

You can not fail without your consent.  You can not succeed without your participation.

Even though I am considered 'Recovered' by the medical world, I still have a tendency to become negative towards myself.  The key is to catch myself and turn it around.  This last few weeks have been somewhat of a challenge in that sense.  The 'after Christmas let down ' is always a tough one, and dealing with the 'high-school' atmosphere at work is another constant challenge.  I am not one of the 'cool kids' and not that I want to be, but it isn't just a case of not being cool, it is that I am ignored/isolated and even belittled.  Although most of it is done behind my back, there is cruelty to my face also, not often, since I keep my distance, but still oh so high-school.

I didn't really notice quite how much this has affected me until this past week.  I have had some little 'reminders' that have added up to a nice kick in the pants for me so to speak lol.  The first came from a woman at work.  I have worked with this woman for a year now, and have a great time with her, but we have never gone past the work stage.  Well she invited me out to a candle party.  I wasn't going to go, but I decided that I would take the chance.  I felt like I was going out on a first date!!  I was nervous and suspicious and just silly really!  I had an amazing time, we laughed so much!  I have been invited to girls night out next week and I am so excited.  The girls there aren't from the cool kids group either and are happy to have me join them :p  It reminded me that I could make friends and have a good time, I was cool to someone.

Another little reminder came from my Aunt's status update on Facebook.  I wear make up so I'm fake. I like to get dressed up so I love myself. I say what I think so I'm a bitch. I cry sometimes so I'm an attention seeker. I talk to men so I'm a slut. I stand up for myself so I'm mouthy. I like my food so I'm fat! Seems like you can't do anything these days without being labeled, so label me because I honestly don't give a crap.. Post this as your status if you are proud of who you are  - This reminded me that no matter what others think, I know who I am and what I am capable of.   Thanks Auntie. 


Then after my last shift at work, which turned out to be another challenging one as things didn't happen quite as they should have and so the 'cool kids' were relishing in the possibility that I could be in trouble.  I knew I wasn't, didn't do anything wrong, but they blew the situation out of proportion and felt I would be.  Yes that hurt......I tried to hold my head up high and laugh it off, but truly the fact that so many of my own teammates wanted to see me fail so badly.....  I stopped and had a conversation with someone on my way out of the plant and was given yet another little reminder......  He reminded me of what I have gone through, what I have achieved and what I have done to help others.  He reminded me that the only reason someone would want to see me fail is pure jealousy and that they few me as a threat and feel the need to be better than me.  Again oh so high school........


My last little reminder was just before typing this post.  I went to visit the ripples pond to see if I could find an appropriate quote for today.......and wow how much more of a reminder could I get!!  When it comes down to it, it is ME who decides my feelings, it is ME who decides what I can achieve and it is ME who chooses how the thoughts of others affects me.  I have re-decided (if that is even a word) that I am going to CHOOSE to live in my bubble and ignore the negativity at work from the so called cool kids and focus on ME, my FAMILY and FRIENDS who accept ME for ME.


Before I go, I also want to give you a quick update on my weight loss journey.  Jan 10th, I had my last weigh in and had gained enough to go back and start Phase 1 of the Curves eating plan again.  I did 1 week of phase one and then started phase 2 last week.  I was also sick last week, low fever,  chills, body aches the whole 9 yards.  I didn't miss work, but I did miss going to the gym the whole week.  Today was my first day back......so I got on the scale prepared to see a huge gain.  I put the scale at my last weight and it hit bottom....hard.  So I backed it up a pound, then another and another.  I lost 5.75pounds!!!!  Yippie!!  My workout was tough, my heart and lungs were screaming at me, but I made it through and am happy to know that missing a week didn't totally destroy my progress.   It goes to show that what I am doing is working and the results prove it.  So now I am 203.25 pounds.  I am celebrating once under the 200 mark and then my next goal will be 175.  At least that is what I am thinking, I may change it to smaller increments, not sure yet.


So I am going to continue to fight every day to be happy, positive and to be confident in myself as well as celebrate my achievements.  Your life is about you......so why let others make it about them?????


Celebrate YOU.

A Weekend of Change

This past weekend was one of surprises and change.  In the department that I work for we were 'Line Dedicated'  as in we always worked/operated the same lines every shift.  In the year and a bit that I have been in my department I have always worked on the same lines.  Saturday that all changed.  I came in Saturday morning and went through my regular routine before our team meeting but was told by my supervisor that my team leader wanted to talk to me.  I was a little nervous but decided to push my negative emotions out of the way and focus on it possibly being a positive thing!  lol  well it was!  I have been moved to another line.  While that in itself brings new challenges and possibilities, the other reason for me being excited is the fact that the department is getting a new line and it will be installed to run with the line I have been moved to.  Being part of a new line is always a good thing!  I am also excited to work on my new line and use all my experience over the last year to help improve not only the line but myself and my skills!!   Unfortunately while this was a great move for me, the woman I was expecting to work with, was moved to replace me on the other line.  There is so much involved in the decision, and so much more than we even know, but it stills comes down to me gaining an amazing opportunity and the other woman missing it.  She will have other opportunities and will learn a lot but I still feel bad that she is not only unhappy but that she is missing out on something she wanted so much.....to learn the new line.


For me life is good.  Work is good for me, my family is healthy and so am I.  Is there really anything else that you could truly want????  (Beside financial stability, material things etc....that is...lol)

On the right road...

Well here it is the 21st of July.  I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week and he said that I no longer HAVE to go to see him.  He feels that not only have I recovered, but I am sustaining quite well on my own.  We also discussed lowering or discontinuing my medication.  My thought was that I have been on some form of anti-depressant for over 10 years, which tells me that my chemical imbalance is permanent.  So why risk relapse if I am not suffering from side effects and it isn't harming my body?  His experience is that most patients want to get off the medication, as though the medication determines that they have the illness....not the symptoms.  My argument for that was 'Do people who have high blood pressure stop taking their medication once their blood pressure is lowered??'  I realize that this is my choice and my feelings, and that not everyone looks at the situation the same.  I just think this is the best approach for me.  I am not ashamed of who I am, I am not suffering from side effects (like weight gain) with my current dosages, and all my blood work is fine so there is no liver/kidney strain etc and there is no financial worry.... so why risk it????  We may consider trying to lower my dosage in 6 months, but for now I am happy just as I am. 

On another good note, my weight loss road is also coasting nicely down :)  I am down another 3.5lbs this month along with some inches and 0.5% body fat.  I am now 207lbs!!  7 more pounds and I will celebrate my first goal!  I haven't made any further changes, other than I am not as hungry, so my meals are a bit smaller but I am not depriving myself in anyway.   I want this change to stick so I don't have to worry about what I am eating for the rest of my life.  So far I don't feel like I am dieting or exercising.  I enjoy Curves and since it is only a short time each visit it isn't a chore!

Work is good.  The new supervisor is great.  I am still learning, growing and working hard all around.  I am enjoying my job again.....so nice!

Well I have a little boy who wants to lay down and snuggle with Mommy.  I have been working nights the last 2 nights so he really hasn't seen me since Sunday......shift work sucks sometimes!

Bon Voyage!

No it's not me.  I don't have any time off until August.....
The Bon Voyage goes to my Boss, or should I say ex-boss.  He is off to a new role after he comes back from his vacation and wedding.  Believe it or not, I do wish him well.  He was a pretty good boss/supervisor until about 6 months ago....then he got strict and picky.  Oh well, here's hoping our new Boss will be great.

I am still going to Curves.  I was a little bummed out after my last weigh-in on the 19th.  I hadn't lost any pounds but I did lose some inches and 0.5% body fat.  So it is still positive.  Anywho I went in today, and thought I would weigh myself before my workout and I am down 2.5lbs!!  Yippie!  I am hoping this keeps up for the next few weeks so that my next weigh-in is a success too :)

For Father's Day I made breakfast in bed for my hubby and then he convinced me to get some shorts for myself.  So we went to Pennington's (which I have been avoiding as it was just another thing that made me feel like I would never get the weight off....silly I know....but that is just how I felt) I picked up 2 pairs of Capri pants (one cargo style, one denim) a pair of denim shorts and another pair of Jersey Capri pants for working out or relaxing in.

My son turned 6 yesterday.  On the 19th we had his birthday party at the local cinema.  We and 13 kids (which included my 2 and my nephew) watched Toy Story 3 in 3D.  Great movie.  I almost cried at the end!!  I won't say anything else as I don't want to spoil it for you, but I will say that it was a great movie!  The kids were all so well behaved.  They all sat in a row and watched the whole movie (almost 2hrs long) and I only had to get up 3 times for bathroom breaks lol!

Today is the last day of school.  Both of my kids did well.  My daughter goes on to grade 4 with 7 A's and 7 B's and my son goes to grade 1 with an award for fairness.  The kindergarten classes don't get graded A, B or C.

I guess I should also update you on 'Guy'.  Well....he is doing so much better.  Unfortunately he came around too late so his assessment was a not meeting and he had to prepare an action plan.  But he certainly has stepped up to the plate and is preforming quite well.  He also requested me as a coach/mentor.  I was surprised and flattered.  We are going to work together to get him to take the last steps to be his full potential.   

I requested my contribution assessment be held early so that I could work against any opportunity areas before I present for my promotion.  It went extremely well!  I was so nervous that it would turn out bad, but it didn't.  My co-workers thought I was silly for being worried, but I couldn't help it :)

Well I think that is about all for now.  Life has been stressful, but I am working hard to stay as positive as I can. 

Here is a ripple I received in my email box on Monday that I think is suiting:

The thoughts we choose to think
are the tools we use to paint
the canvas of our lives.
-Louise Hay

Happy Long Weekend!

While May 24th is officially the day we celebrate the Birth of Queen Victoria, to many Canadians it is more a day to celebrate the coming of summer!  We Canadians call it the May two four weekend (2-4....like two four of beer???? 24 case of beer??? get it????)

Anyhow, this weekend looks like it is going to be a good one.

Last night after work I went out with the gang from work to have a few drinks and say 'It was great working with you' to a co-worker who's contract has finished.  Jay was transferred to our team only in January but I can't remember what it was like working without him.  He has become a good friend also!  I am not looking forward to my next shifts without him.

Today the kids are both in school and my hubby is working, so I took the morning to relax and recoup from being out so late last night.  Then I did a quick tidy of the house and mowed the lawn.  In another hour or so I will be heading off to the gym.  Then it is home for dinner and off to buy groceries.  Tomorrow will be a day of fun with some good friends of ours.  BBQ, pool, fire  etc nice relaxing day for us and great fun for the kids.

Work has been hectic to say the least.  My boss has been giving me mixed signals and making my work generally more difficult.  I confronted him on it, and while I didn't get the answer I wanted (not that I expected to) but I did do it and am proud of myself for being able to stand up and say You deflated me.  You made me feel that the special project I took on is a waste of time and also that my progressing (promotion) is also not important.  So while it was not something I wanted to do, and also very very difficult for me....I did it.  It is empowering to know that I can do it.

Well that is about all for now.  Life is good!

Confrontation

A big part of my recovery since returning to work has been to start standing up for myself and not letting others railroad me.  That was certainly put to the test this weekend.  Let me tell you I HATE confrontation.  I typically let others do and say what they will and let it bring me down.  Not anymore.  There is a woman at work who has been giving me a hard time since I joined the team 8 months ago.  She is the type that likes to take credit for everyone else's work, and will shove you down to make herself look better every chance she gets.

I took her abuse for the first few months until she made me cry and almost quit.  That is how much I hate confronting.  Thankfully my immediate supervisor who is also a great friend and co-worker talked to me that day and convinced me not to let her win.  Since that day I haven't confronted per say but I haven't jumped when she said jump etc. 

Now 6 months later she pulled something that infuriated me so much that I was severely shaking with anger.  At the end of our last night shift (which would have been last Wednesday morning) there was an issue on her line with the casepacker she runs.  I had just done some training on the casepacker on my line and my coach called me over to show me what was happening with that one and  allow me to see what causes it.  While the equipment was down, I put my locks on and took a look, without touching anything, and then got out and took my locks off so this 'woman' could get in and fix her mess. What I didn't find out about until Saturday morning is that she proceeded to tell the line leader and anyone else that would listen was that she had the equipment working wonderfully but then I went in and made some changes and then it didn't work anymore!

After I discovered this from a few extremely trusting sources I was furious!  It isn't like she was making fun of my clothes, she was telling some very important people that I was a screw-up.  I have worked very hard to prove myself and learn as much as I can to move up at work and here she was blaming her mess on me.  I decided I was going to confront her on it, but I was going to wait until I calmed down since I didn't want to get myself fired.  Before I confronted her she came over while I was loading material on my casepacker and told me she was having an issue with her casepacker gluing.  I simply said OK.  She then said "I was thinking the nozzles are plugged" to which I said OK.  She continued to prompt me for answers without asking for help so I only said OK and then at the end of her futile prompting....That's nice. and walked away.  I couldn't believe that she would have the gall to 'ask for help, without asking' when she had just finished telling everyone that I had created that mess just the shift before and she had to fix it.  Funny how she was able to fix that problem last time but not this time.....lol  I realize that was probably a petty and childish thing to do, but I was still furious with her.

Later almost the end of the shift, I sucked it up and went over and confronted her.  She denied everything of course, while I wasn't surprised, I was disappointed.  I own up to my mistakes.....why couldn't she???  Anyhow since she continued insisting that she would NEVER EVER do that to anyone blah blah blah.  I told her that I believe everyone deserves a chance to give their side and defend themselves.   I would let it go this time, BUT if this situation came up again I would get our Boss involved.  I am not about to let someone tank my career.

I must admit that afterward I felt good.  I felt as though the world had been lifted from my shoulders and I became happy and was able to have a great time the rest of my shift.  I am hoping she has realized that I am not going to let her get away with treating me badly anymore.  I doubt it, but it is always worth hoping :)  At least I know that I can stand-up for myself.  I can do it professionally and diplomatically.

Well I think that is all for today.....the story doesn't end there of course, but I will tell the rest another day.

To Be Continued...

Happy April Fools Day and that's no joke

Today is a beautiful day.

Life is good today.

This morning I went to Curves again.  I am really enjoying it.  I think I will be able to keep this up.  I can go, do my workout and be back home in 45 minutes.  The time factor makes it so much easier to go.  I used to go to the YMCA, but it would always take so much time and that made it so much harder to go.  I left for the gym at 8:05 this morning, did my workout and stretch came home and took a shower and was ready to go out to do my Easter shopping by 9:20. 

I have to work this Easter, but I do get the Friday off since it is a Stat holiday.  It is always nice to get a day off work and get paid too :)  Unfortunately we have to do the Easter Bunny thing before I leave for work on Sunday, but then my hubby and the kids are going to be going to my in-laws for the day.

Work is going along really well.  My last 2 shifts were night shifts and we ran exceptionally well.  I was able to get some training in and completed yet another step-up card.  I have 3 more that I want to complete as soon as I can.  The "guy" is the same, not doing anything on his own.  All we can do is keep giving the feedback so that when his work assessment comes up he won't be surprised when we tell him he isn't doing well.  I am now part of another cost savings project at work which should be interesting....at least I hope.  My boss recommended me saying that I would do a great job with enthusiasm and rigor.   I have also been asked to re-train a woman coming back from maternity leave.  It is always a good sign when you are asked to train someone and take part in department cost savings.

Back to Work

Alarm goes off at 6:15am......I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed.  I dragged myself out of bed, got ready and left for work.  While the day itself was no more stressful that it had been of late...my poor feet and legs screamed at me after the first few hours and then continued the rest of the shift.  To make things worse once I got home and got into bed my legs burned so badly I could hardly stand it!!  That will teach me for taking a vacation LOL.

Outside of my body's rebellion, my mind was glad to be back at work, well at least a little.  I hit the floor to do my shift exchange (that is to talk to the people who ran the line the shift before to find out how things went, things to watch for etc) Anywho....Jason saw me and a great big smile burst out and he gave me a big hug and said "Thank God you're back!!".  and to top it off Joel (my supervisor) must have told me half a dozen times how glad he was I was back.   It is so nice to be missed :)   Things with "Guy" hadn't changed at all while I was gone and so patience is a little thin.  It has gotten to the point where my Line Supervisor no longer enjoys coming to work....which is a huge deal as he loves what we do.  (I do most days myself, especially since I had/have  a great crew to work with)  So we had 2 rough shifts, but made it through.  Last night for the last 2 hours of our shift was our team celebration so we all went out for dinner (company paid yippie) and had a great time.  After dinner a few of us decided to go for drinks.  It was nice and we mostly avoided talking about work.   I stayed out a little longer than I should have since I had to get up with the kids today, but it was worth it.  I'll take a nap a bit later today.


Today, I went to Curves and ran some errands.  I plan on doing some housework, but for the most part I think I will just relax today and worry about the cleaning tomorrow.  I will admit that I was in quite the foul mood this morning and my instinct was to go crazy cleaning the house and put myself in an even worse mood.  But I didn't.....I went to the gym instead and now I feel much better.  While the state of the house still makes me angry, I am choosing to ignore it for now...it will still be there later for me.

Life and the Reality of it

It has been difficult lately to stay happy and positive.  Work has been stressful and my brother (well his life/choices) are also a great stress. 

Let me start with work.  A member of the team has come back after being off for 8 months for surgery.  He is 2 years from retirement and has been in the department many years.  My line crew (which is me, my supervisor and a contract worker) has had a difficult time with this.  This "guy" is just not doing the amount of work that is expected of him.  He has been back over a month now and the medical department at work keeps telling us that he has no restrictions and should be able to preform 100%.  So this leaves us feel as though he doesn't want to do the work (he has voiced this several times, but we still hoped there was a medical reason to it)

My supervisor's boss decided to have this "guy" shadow our contract worker as he should be able to do everything he does and more.  "Guy" is not able to keep up even 50% of the time.  Then it was decided that he would shadow me.  While he did better with me (I am not a fast person) he still was only doing 60-70% of the work.  I was/am very frustrated with training someone who doesn't want to learn or work.  I am hoping that something will be resolved while I am on vacation over March Break.   I doubt that will happen, but one can hope.

My brother is an entire other issue.  He is making some really bad choices in his life right now (he is almost 30)  He has lost 2 great girlfriends in the last year and is also getting him in trouble with the law.  I have always been depended on by my parents (and my brother) to keep him going in the right direction.  He had 'issues' back home in school so my parents moved him 8hrs away to live with me.  He almost dropped out of high school, but my fiance at the time helped me get him through school.  It wasn't long after I was married (and pregnant) that we had to get him to move into his own place because of his 'issues'.  Here we are almost 10 years later and I am still in the middle, trying to keep the peace in the family and my brother alive.  This time there is nothing I can do but listen to each side b!tch about the other.   He is almost 30 and not a baby.  I have given him my opinion on a few occasions that were quite blunt but also truthful.  I am very worried and feel helpless.  All I can do is watch and pray that he survives.

On the positive side, work on the whole is going well other than being stressful, my performance is holding steady and climbing.  I am learning a lot and becoming a resource on the team.  This bodes well for me achieving my level 2 sometime in the next year (I hope!)  Money/financial part of life is getting better also.  After my nervous breakdown we accumulated a paralyzing amount of debt.  We are now on the uphill crawl and can actually see the top of the mountain.  It will still be sometime before we are where we actually want to be, but that is only another part of the journey of life.