Little reminders

You can not fail without your consent.  You can not succeed without your participation.

Even though I am considered 'Recovered' by the medical world, I still have a tendency to become negative towards myself.  The key is to catch myself and turn it around.  This last few weeks have been somewhat of a challenge in that sense.  The 'after Christmas let down ' is always a tough one, and dealing with the 'high-school' atmosphere at work is another constant challenge.  I am not one of the 'cool kids' and not that I want to be, but it isn't just a case of not being cool, it is that I am ignored/isolated and even belittled.  Although most of it is done behind my back, there is cruelty to my face also, not often, since I keep my distance, but still oh so high-school.

I didn't really notice quite how much this has affected me until this past week.  I have had some little 'reminders' that have added up to a nice kick in the pants for me so to speak lol.  The first came from a woman at work.  I have worked with this woman for a year now, and have a great time with her, but we have never gone past the work stage.  Well she invited me out to a candle party.  I wasn't going to go, but I decided that I would take the chance.  I felt like I was going out on a first date!!  I was nervous and suspicious and just silly really!  I had an amazing time, we laughed so much!  I have been invited to girls night out next week and I am so excited.  The girls there aren't from the cool kids group either and are happy to have me join them :p  It reminded me that I could make friends and have a good time, I was cool to someone.

Another little reminder came from my Aunt's status update on Facebook.  I wear make up so I'm fake. I like to get dressed up so I love myself. I say what I think so I'm a bitch. I cry sometimes so I'm an attention seeker. I talk to men so I'm a slut. I stand up for myself so I'm mouthy. I like my food so I'm fat! Seems like you can't do anything these days without being labeled, so label me because I honestly don't give a crap.. Post this as your status if you are proud of who you are  - This reminded me that no matter what others think, I know who I am and what I am capable of.   Thanks Auntie. 


Then after my last shift at work, which turned out to be another challenging one as things didn't happen quite as they should have and so the 'cool kids' were relishing in the possibility that I could be in trouble.  I knew I wasn't, didn't do anything wrong, but they blew the situation out of proportion and felt I would be.  Yes that hurt......I tried to hold my head up high and laugh it off, but truly the fact that so many of my own teammates wanted to see me fail so badly.....  I stopped and had a conversation with someone on my way out of the plant and was given yet another little reminder......  He reminded me of what I have gone through, what I have achieved and what I have done to help others.  He reminded me that the only reason someone would want to see me fail is pure jealousy and that they few me as a threat and feel the need to be better than me.  Again oh so high school........


My last little reminder was just before typing this post.  I went to visit the ripples pond to see if I could find an appropriate quote for today.......and wow how much more of a reminder could I get!!  When it comes down to it, it is ME who decides my feelings, it is ME who decides what I can achieve and it is ME who chooses how the thoughts of others affects me.  I have re-decided (if that is even a word) that I am going to CHOOSE to live in my bubble and ignore the negativity at work from the so called cool kids and focus on ME, my FAMILY and FRIENDS who accept ME for ME.


Before I go, I also want to give you a quick update on my weight loss journey.  Jan 10th, I had my last weigh in and had gained enough to go back and start Phase 1 of the Curves eating plan again.  I did 1 week of phase one and then started phase 2 last week.  I was also sick last week, low fever,  chills, body aches the whole 9 yards.  I didn't miss work, but I did miss going to the gym the whole week.  Today was my first day back......so I got on the scale prepared to see a huge gain.  I put the scale at my last weight and it hit bottom....hard.  So I backed it up a pound, then another and another.  I lost 5.75pounds!!!!  Yippie!!  My workout was tough, my heart and lungs were screaming at me, but I made it through and am happy to know that missing a week didn't totally destroy my progress.   It goes to show that what I am doing is working and the results prove it.  So now I am 203.25 pounds.  I am celebrating once under the 200 mark and then my next goal will be 175.  At least that is what I am thinking, I may change it to smaller increments, not sure yet.


So I am going to continue to fight every day to be happy, positive and to be confident in myself as well as celebrate my achievements.  Your life is about you......so why let others make it about them?????


Celebrate YOU.

The Battle Continues

Everyday is a challenge and a choice.  Sometimes the choice is easy.....happy, other times it is so hard to choose happy and sadness overrules.  I have come against a few difficult challenges of late.  I must admit that I chose sadness and hurt, at least at first.  Both of my challenges happened at work.

My first challenge was with a woman that I work with on my line.  While I really didn't have a huge issue with her, it turned out that she had a HUGE one with me.  When things finally came to a head, we talked the situation out.  I had taken it very personally, and it took me some time to re-enforce that the problem was hers and not mine.  She was taking very thing I said or did as being vicious and out to get her.  She felt that I was bossy and overbearing, abrasive and in competition with her.  As personal follow-up from that talk, I spoke with everyone on the team and asked them if they felt the same way.  No one agreed, whether they did or not, they would not admit it to my face, so I took it that they didn't feel that way.  :)  With that in my pocket I began to internalize the hurt, and I was able to convince myself again that I was not the issue.  Even though I wasn't intentionally trying to do those things, she convinced me that I was that type of person.  I KNOW I am not that type of person, and I should have never let her hurt me the way she did, but I did.  Things between us are good now, we seem to have come to an agreement.  I have learned another valuable lesson and can choose to be happy again.  :)

The second challenge is also at work.  The line beside mine has 4 co-workers who run the line.  There are 3 women and a man.  There has been a lot of upset and anger between the women and man.  Basically the man feels he is doing all the work, the women are doing to much visiting, long breaks and leave the physical work to him.  One of the women is the 'line shift leader' or basically the supervisor for that line.  She is very upset about the allegations and is out to prove it wrong.  The battle between the 2 sides has turned into a 'pissing contest' for lack of a better term.  They have become petty and childish.  How does this affect me???  Well apparently the man has told the women that people from the other 2 lines in the department agree with him and feel they are lazy etc.  That is where I come in....yippie.   At first it wasn't a huge deal.  I was approached by this woman to attend a meeting to bring this situation to the open and deal with it.  Sure no problem.  I told her that I didn't care what they did on their line, that has nothing to do with me, they can take 2 hour breaks for all I care.  I haven't had to go over and help on the line without them being there so I have nothing to be concerned about.   Well I guess that didn't satisfy her.  4 more times she pulled me aside and gave me the same 'riot act'.  Each time she said she would be talking to the other 2 people she suspects is spreading these rumours/ agreeing with the man.  She never did speak to the other 2.  The last time she approached me, she claimed that my boss was getting feedback from other departments that I was involved and that I could 'get into trouble' (ie formal discipline) if I didn't stop.  I told her AGAIN that it wasn't me, I didn't care what they did, couldn't say that they did anymore or less than anyone else because I was busy running my own line and dealing with my own B*ll Sh!t on my line!  I was feeling targeted, harassed and  that this situation has gone way to far.  I decided to approach my boss and ask him if what she said was true and let him know how I felt.  He told me that I haven't done anything wrong, even if I was doing the gossiping I still couldn't get into trouble.  He agreed that I should confront her and let her know she is going to far and is harassing me and making me feel targeted.  He said that if that did not stop her he would.  So now I am still feeling targeted and harassed, but I know that I am not going to get into any trouble telling her to back off!  So I am just waiting for my next shift Monday night to see if she comes at me again!


Otherwise life is good!  Work is good outside of the political, high school stuff.  My kids are amazing as always.  My daughter has started Grade 4 and my son.....my baby....started Grade 1!!!  No more babies in this house.......  Along with the babies growing up so has the cheap Christmas presents.  My daughter is DYING for an iPod Touch.  It is a hard lesson for her, but one that I feel is important.  I do plan on getting her one for Christmas (sadly most of her friends are very well off and get these expensive things handed over to them.  An iPod Touch and a laptop for a birthday or end of school present are not unheard of...) Anyhow I remind her not to get her heart set on getting one (too late) because they are extremely expensive.  She has been saving to buy one, she has saved 70$ so far, but at this rate it will take her another 2 years to save.  I am proud of her for saving.  I also let her know that if she did get the iPod that she would most likely not get anything else for Christmas.  She seems ok with that, disappointed, but she wants this iPod so badly.  So after discussing with my hubby we hope to get the iPod as a gift from us and Santa will bring things she needs but aren't life mandatory, such as paint for her room, a new duvet & cover, sheets etc.  Then there is my son.  Who wants the XBox 360!  So we are hoping to be able to pull off the same deal for him.  We give the XBox and Santa brings room stuff........we are most likely insane, but since we can't keep up with the Jones the least we can do is try to give them the 1 thing they want the most.  The other items they both have on their Christmas list are a laptop, camera, blah blah blah!!

So that is my life for the last few months.  Everyday is a challenge and everyday is a choice.  Sometimes I choose right other days not.  But I am still the one who makes the choice and I don't choose sad everyday.

cheers!

Happy Long Weekend!

While May 24th is officially the day we celebrate the Birth of Queen Victoria, to many Canadians it is more a day to celebrate the coming of summer!  We Canadians call it the May two four weekend (2-4....like two four of beer???? 24 case of beer??? get it????)

Anyhow, this weekend looks like it is going to be a good one.

Last night after work I went out with the gang from work to have a few drinks and say 'It was great working with you' to a co-worker who's contract has finished.  Jay was transferred to our team only in January but I can't remember what it was like working without him.  He has become a good friend also!  I am not looking forward to my next shifts without him.

Today the kids are both in school and my hubby is working, so I took the morning to relax and recoup from being out so late last night.  Then I did a quick tidy of the house and mowed the lawn.  In another hour or so I will be heading off to the gym.  Then it is home for dinner and off to buy groceries.  Tomorrow will be a day of fun with some good friends of ours.  BBQ, pool, fire  etc nice relaxing day for us and great fun for the kids.

Work has been hectic to say the least.  My boss has been giving me mixed signals and making my work generally more difficult.  I confronted him on it, and while I didn't get the answer I wanted (not that I expected to) but I did do it and am proud of myself for being able to stand up and say You deflated me.  You made me feel that the special project I took on is a waste of time and also that my progressing (promotion) is also not important.  So while it was not something I wanted to do, and also very very difficult for me....I did it.  It is empowering to know that I can do it.

Well that is about all for now.  Life is good!

A prayer for today

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.


Last night I had gone out after work for a couple beer with a few co-workers.  It sure was a good time, but I stayed up way too late for someone who had to get up to get the kids to school!!  lol  oh well you only live once.

Today was a normal day.  After dragging myself out of bed, getting the kids ready for school and convincing myself NOT to crawl back into bed I got dressed and got on with my day.  Hubby and I did a maintenance grocery shopping and stopped by Goodwill to pick up some 'new-to-me' clothes as my work shirts are worn out and my jeans are getting baggy.  :)  The rest of my afternoon was spent getting my area rug outside to be cleaned and then I proceeded to clean my living room.  Tomorrow I tackle the kitchen and bathroom and go to the gym.


Yes, a pretty normal day, a happy day.  My life may not be super exciting but I get enough drama and excitement at work!  It is so nice to have a few days of normalcy to break up all that drama  :p

So be thankful for the quiet days, the normal days, the exciting days and the sad days.  They are all days and all part of who we are and who we want to be.