Little reminders

You can not fail without your consent.  You can not succeed without your participation.

Even though I am considered 'Recovered' by the medical world, I still have a tendency to become negative towards myself.  The key is to catch myself and turn it around.  This last few weeks have been somewhat of a challenge in that sense.  The 'after Christmas let down ' is always a tough one, and dealing with the 'high-school' atmosphere at work is another constant challenge.  I am not one of the 'cool kids' and not that I want to be, but it isn't just a case of not being cool, it is that I am ignored/isolated and even belittled.  Although most of it is done behind my back, there is cruelty to my face also, not often, since I keep my distance, but still oh so high-school.

I didn't really notice quite how much this has affected me until this past week.  I have had some little 'reminders' that have added up to a nice kick in the pants for me so to speak lol.  The first came from a woman at work.  I have worked with this woman for a year now, and have a great time with her, but we have never gone past the work stage.  Well she invited me out to a candle party.  I wasn't going to go, but I decided that I would take the chance.  I felt like I was going out on a first date!!  I was nervous and suspicious and just silly really!  I had an amazing time, we laughed so much!  I have been invited to girls night out next week and I am so excited.  The girls there aren't from the cool kids group either and are happy to have me join them :p  It reminded me that I could make friends and have a good time, I was cool to someone.

Another little reminder came from my Aunt's status update on Facebook.  I wear make up so I'm fake. I like to get dressed up so I love myself. I say what I think so I'm a bitch. I cry sometimes so I'm an attention seeker. I talk to men so I'm a slut. I stand up for myself so I'm mouthy. I like my food so I'm fat! Seems like you can't do anything these days without being labeled, so label me because I honestly don't give a crap.. Post this as your status if you are proud of who you are  - This reminded me that no matter what others think, I know who I am and what I am capable of.   Thanks Auntie. 


Then after my last shift at work, which turned out to be another challenging one as things didn't happen quite as they should have and so the 'cool kids' were relishing in the possibility that I could be in trouble.  I knew I wasn't, didn't do anything wrong, but they blew the situation out of proportion and felt I would be.  Yes that hurt......I tried to hold my head up high and laugh it off, but truly the fact that so many of my own teammates wanted to see me fail so badly.....  I stopped and had a conversation with someone on my way out of the plant and was given yet another little reminder......  He reminded me of what I have gone through, what I have achieved and what I have done to help others.  He reminded me that the only reason someone would want to see me fail is pure jealousy and that they few me as a threat and feel the need to be better than me.  Again oh so high school........


My last little reminder was just before typing this post.  I went to visit the ripples pond to see if I could find an appropriate quote for today.......and wow how much more of a reminder could I get!!  When it comes down to it, it is ME who decides my feelings, it is ME who decides what I can achieve and it is ME who chooses how the thoughts of others affects me.  I have re-decided (if that is even a word) that I am going to CHOOSE to live in my bubble and ignore the negativity at work from the so called cool kids and focus on ME, my FAMILY and FRIENDS who accept ME for ME.


Before I go, I also want to give you a quick update on my weight loss journey.  Jan 10th, I had my last weigh in and had gained enough to go back and start Phase 1 of the Curves eating plan again.  I did 1 week of phase one and then started phase 2 last week.  I was also sick last week, low fever,  chills, body aches the whole 9 yards.  I didn't miss work, but I did miss going to the gym the whole week.  Today was my first day back......so I got on the scale prepared to see a huge gain.  I put the scale at my last weight and it hit bottom....hard.  So I backed it up a pound, then another and another.  I lost 5.75pounds!!!!  Yippie!!  My workout was tough, my heart and lungs were screaming at me, but I made it through and am happy to know that missing a week didn't totally destroy my progress.   It goes to show that what I am doing is working and the results prove it.  So now I am 203.25 pounds.  I am celebrating once under the 200 mark and then my next goal will be 175.  At least that is what I am thinking, I may change it to smaller increments, not sure yet.


So I am going to continue to fight every day to be happy, positive and to be confident in myself as well as celebrate my achievements.  Your life is about you......so why let others make it about them?????


Celebrate YOU.

Bon Voyage!

No it's not me.  I don't have any time off until August.....
The Bon Voyage goes to my Boss, or should I say ex-boss.  He is off to a new role after he comes back from his vacation and wedding.  Believe it or not, I do wish him well.  He was a pretty good boss/supervisor until about 6 months ago....then he got strict and picky.  Oh well, here's hoping our new Boss will be great.

I am still going to Curves.  I was a little bummed out after my last weigh-in on the 19th.  I hadn't lost any pounds but I did lose some inches and 0.5% body fat.  So it is still positive.  Anywho I went in today, and thought I would weigh myself before my workout and I am down 2.5lbs!!  Yippie!  I am hoping this keeps up for the next few weeks so that my next weigh-in is a success too :)

For Father's Day I made breakfast in bed for my hubby and then he convinced me to get some shorts for myself.  So we went to Pennington's (which I have been avoiding as it was just another thing that made me feel like I would never get the weight off....silly I know....but that is just how I felt) I picked up 2 pairs of Capri pants (one cargo style, one denim) a pair of denim shorts and another pair of Jersey Capri pants for working out or relaxing in.

My son turned 6 yesterday.  On the 19th we had his birthday party at the local cinema.  We and 13 kids (which included my 2 and my nephew) watched Toy Story 3 in 3D.  Great movie.  I almost cried at the end!!  I won't say anything else as I don't want to spoil it for you, but I will say that it was a great movie!  The kids were all so well behaved.  They all sat in a row and watched the whole movie (almost 2hrs long) and I only had to get up 3 times for bathroom breaks lol!

Today is the last day of school.  Both of my kids did well.  My daughter goes on to grade 4 with 7 A's and 7 B's and my son goes to grade 1 with an award for fairness.  The kindergarten classes don't get graded A, B or C.

I guess I should also update you on 'Guy'.  Well....he is doing so much better.  Unfortunately he came around too late so his assessment was a not meeting and he had to prepare an action plan.  But he certainly has stepped up to the plate and is preforming quite well.  He also requested me as a coach/mentor.  I was surprised and flattered.  We are going to work together to get him to take the last steps to be his full potential.   

I requested my contribution assessment be held early so that I could work against any opportunity areas before I present for my promotion.  It went extremely well!  I was so nervous that it would turn out bad, but it didn't.  My co-workers thought I was silly for being worried, but I couldn't help it :)

Well I think that is about all for now.  Life has been stressful, but I am working hard to stay as positive as I can. 

Here is a ripple I received in my email box on Monday that I think is suiting:

The thoughts we choose to think
are the tools we use to paint
the canvas of our lives.
-Louise Hay

Another Journey

Life is truly about journeys.  If you have been reading this blog, you know about my toughest journey....but today I am writing about yet another part of that journey which is an entire journey of its own.....weight loss.

Before my nervous breakdown I had quite the nice shaped body.  I was a total of 140lbs (even after having 2 kids!), but unfortunately between the agoraphobia and the multiple medications (of the 9 I was on at one point, 4 had a side effect of weight gain)  I rapidly became at my highest 270lbs.  This only added to my depression and lack of self esteem as well as creating other health issues.

Just as with my depression/anxiety, I had to stop blaming and feeling sorry for myself and do something about it.  While I wanted the weight off and off now, I also didn't want to set myself up for a failure.  My first goal was to just get back to work and get to full time.  I had to focus on my mental health, while ensuring that I wasn't going to make work harder on my body or mind by starving it or over working it.  During the first 4 months back to work I lost 20lbs without changing my eating habits.

Ok so I am back to work and up to full time hours.  Now is the time to make some more changes.  My next task was to visit a nutritionist.  While I was eating fairly healthy, I was eating more than my body needed.  So the next step was to scale back my portions, and make some small changes.  Over the next 6 months I lost yet another 30lbs.  While not as fast as I would have liked, it was coming off in a healthy way.

Then came the plateau.......and this plateau lasted a few months.  I visited my nutritionist yet again and she suggested a few more changes, but I really was eating quite well, so she said the word that I knew was coming but was dreading.....EXERCISE!!!!

While I had gone to the YMCA while I was off work and preparing myself to go back to work, I had stopped with returning to work.  My personal trainer had me doing a half hour of cardio and a half hour of weight training 3 times a week.  I work 12 hour rotating shifts, so trying to get to the gym 3 times a week is practically impossible.  Plus on my days off I am so tired and also busy with household duties and errands that finding the time to spend an hour at the gym plus the travel time made it agonizing to go.  So I thought I would do the next best thing......exercise videos at home.  Yep, total failure.  It was too easy to say I would do it later, didn't feel like it or whatever excuse I could dream up.  Walking was great in the summer and fall but once winter came....forget it....I hibernate.

After awhile I had a really bad few days of feeling depressed.  I hated the way I looked, the way I felt, how I ached all the time and was winded just taking the 2 flights of stairs at work to get to my work area and also again each time I went to the cafeteria for break.   I felt horrible, money was tight, life in general seemed to suck the big one!  I decided that I was going to do something yet again instead of sitting around crying and risking a relapse.  What did I do?  I surfed the internet!  I was looking for a 'diet and exercise' plan either online or a download program that would allow me to schedule my exercise and plan my meals out in advance.  During the few days of surfing I found all sorts of free advice, programs and online forums, but none seemed right.

Then I came across the "Curves" website**.  They now offered a weight management class and best of all it was free to attend.  More than prepared that they would try to get me to buy all sorts of stuff I enrolled and went but left my purse at home.  I was extremely surprised.  The only thing they said I would have to buy is the weight management book that gives the info on the eating plan and more than enough recipes to feed yourself for the 30days the plan runs for.

Ok, I haven't started the eating plan.  I joined their gym instead.  BEFORE you call me crazy, hear me out.  I wasn't pressured to join the gym, in fact they said I didn't have to.  The gym didn't look like a normal gym so I asked about it.  Their workout is designed to give you not only your cardio workout, but also your weight training in 30 minutes.  Yep 30 minutes.  So I figured I would give that a try......I could fit in 30 mins a couple times a week for sure and the cost was right. 

I was given a 3 week free trail before signing up.  I was also weighed and measured for the weight management plan which they also do for gym members.  My first month I gained 2 pounds but lost half an inch in most places.  My second month I lost 5 pounds and lost 2 inches from my waist, abs and hips AND lost 1% body fat!!  I am very very excited.  I have made some small changes again to the way I eat, but am not following the eating plan yet.  I decided to focus solely on getting familiar with the workout and getting myself 'addicted' to going before I tackled changing my eating.  Again I did not want to take on too much and get frustrated.

So here I am....5 pounds lighter and 2 inches less round LOL.  I am going to make a few more changes to my eating to get that little bit closer to the eating plan before I jump in.  They warned that jumping right in could cause headaches and fatigue for the first week, so I thought if I made more changes before jumping it it wouldn't be as difficult to keep on going.  For 2 months now I have gone to the gym at least 2 times a week.  I plan to try and squeeze in another workout before work once a week, but that is going to be tough to do, so for now I am happy with 2 and editing eating habits.  The greatest thing about this achievement is that I haven't had to give up my true love...pizza!  LOL  I still order out pizza once or so a month, that is my treat after working my 3 night shifts in a row, and I had chocolate over the month because of Easter, but still lost 5 pounds.  While chocolate and pizza are not part of the eating plan and I might have lost more without them, it is nice to know that I won't have to worry about gaining every time I do treat myself so long as I am reasonable.

Well that is all for me tonight.  I am working tomorrow so it is early to bed to read and relax before sleep.


Cheers!



**I am in NO WAY being paid to endorse Curves.  I haven't even told them I am writing about them on my blog, or that I even have a blog.  I am only a woman who has found it is working for me.

Back to Work

Alarm goes off at 6:15am......I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed.  I dragged myself out of bed, got ready and left for work.  While the day itself was no more stressful that it had been of late...my poor feet and legs screamed at me after the first few hours and then continued the rest of the shift.  To make things worse once I got home and got into bed my legs burned so badly I could hardly stand it!!  That will teach me for taking a vacation LOL.

Outside of my body's rebellion, my mind was glad to be back at work, well at least a little.  I hit the floor to do my shift exchange (that is to talk to the people who ran the line the shift before to find out how things went, things to watch for etc) Anywho....Jason saw me and a great big smile burst out and he gave me a big hug and said "Thank God you're back!!".  and to top it off Joel (my supervisor) must have told me half a dozen times how glad he was I was back.   It is so nice to be missed :)   Things with "Guy" hadn't changed at all while I was gone and so patience is a little thin.  It has gotten to the point where my Line Supervisor no longer enjoys coming to work....which is a huge deal as he loves what we do.  (I do most days myself, especially since I had/have  a great crew to work with)  So we had 2 rough shifts, but made it through.  Last night for the last 2 hours of our shift was our team celebration so we all went out for dinner (company paid yippie) and had a great time.  After dinner a few of us decided to go for drinks.  It was nice and we mostly avoided talking about work.   I stayed out a little longer than I should have since I had to get up with the kids today, but it was worth it.  I'll take a nap a bit later today.


Today, I went to Curves and ran some errands.  I plan on doing some housework, but for the most part I think I will just relax today and worry about the cleaning tomorrow.  I will admit that I was in quite the foul mood this morning and my instinct was to go crazy cleaning the house and put myself in an even worse mood.  But I didn't.....I went to the gym instead and now I feel much better.  While the state of the house still makes me angry, I am choosing to ignore it for now...it will still be there later for me.