Return to Work. February 29th, 2008 I heard those three little words which were both exhilarating and terrifying all in the same moment. Return to work meant that I was 70% recovered, which of course is good news. The terrifying part was having to face all the co-workers, the rumours, the 12hr shifts, the work... the everything! I was terrified to fail. I was terrified that my co-workers wouldn't even give me a chance and to top it off.....what if I got sick again?????
There was a lot of stereotypical thinking on both sides. My co-workers were thinking I had spent the last year basically 'on vacation', abusing the system and were placing bets as to how long I would be before going off work again.
I was thinking they hated me, that they felt I was just out to abuse the system and go off work again, that I couldn't do it before so I couldn't do it now, and on and on.
I had to ignore all these thoughts, feelings and emotions and focus solely on myself and my work. It was extremely hard to walk into the plant and even harder to walk into the team room and sit among my co-workers in the team room. It felt like everyone was staring. They most likely were.....who wouldn't. They had not seen or heard from me in a year and I had gained 100lbs. While they knew that I was returning, they certainly didn't know what to expect.
I started off on 4 hours shifts in March. You wouldn't think that 4 hours is all that much, but I was exhausted and would take a nap as soon as I got home! Here is a bit of trivia: Your brain uses 85-95% of your body's energy resources for a day!!! That is why you can be sitting all day reading/working and be exhausted at the end of the day. It sure does explain why after 4 hours of training I want to sleep for a couple of days!
I work in a manufacturing plant and so there are a lot of alarms and noise and things moving so you have to be aware and able to "ignore" the stuff from the other lines. The hardest thing was getting used to the excess stimulation and be able to block it out. Once I was able to do that I wasn't so tired all the time. Early May, I was up to 9 hour shifts, and by the end of May, 11 hours.
I can't say for sure when my co-workers changed their way of thinking about me, or when my way of thinking about them changed, but I can say it did. The key for me was to look at returning to work as yet another challenge in my recovery and do my best to focus my thoughts on positive things. Whether or not everyone was thinking positive about me I HAD to decide for myself that I deserved to be there and that I was there to do my job, get paid and go home. My co-workers did not have to like me. I did have to prove to them that I was there to work and do a good job, while proving it to myself. I also wanted to do it well and not succumb to the darkness again.
Obviously I didn't succumb, but succeeded and surpassed any expectations I had for myself. That January, less than a year back at work and only 6 months after being back full time, I applied and was approved for a promotion! A year of challenges, growth and personal achievement! Only a year before I was still a nervous wreck. Just walking in to 'work' for the 2 - 3 hour shifts exhausted me. Now working regular rotation and standing on my own 2 feet. I actually felt like a member of the team and had little to no paranoid thoughts about my position within the team.
Little did I know that in March I would have yet another challenge laid before me. Because of the recession staffing in our department was excessive and in another department lacking. They had asked for volunteers to switch departments, but I didn't want to go. In the end I was 'volun-told' to go. So many thoughts and feelings flooded through me. I was disappointed, angry, sad, shocked and the list goes on. One of my first thoughts was that I was 'the worst on the team'. I also thought of all the work that I had done in the last year of my recovery/return to work and felt as though I had failed, I was still not good enough to remain part of the team that I had worked so hard to come back to and be a valued part of. I ended up taking the night off as I couldn't face my co-workers. The more I thought of it the angrier I became.
The next 2 weeks were spent coming to terms and yet again changing my way of thinking to be positive about the move. I was still disappointed as anyone would be. I had had my time to be angry and mope but now it was time to focus on the positives and do my best for myself and my new team. I reminded myself I was a good team member, good technician and had a lot to bring to a new team. I knew that I could contribute to my new team with the same level of eagerness as I had coming back to this one. I also spoke with several team mates and asked for honest feedback on my performance and things that I should focus on in order to succeed with the new team & department. I was given positive feedback from many of my co-workers that they felt it was a loss that I would be leaving. It is always nice to hear it :)
I have been with this new team almost a year, and must say it was a great move. I love the people I work with, the work itself is challenging and enjoyable. I am learning a lot and am succeeding here too. Everyday is a new challenge, not just with work but home and life in general. It is OK for me to have a sad day, it doesn't mean that I am getting sick again, it just means that I had A sad day. Tomorrow I chose to be happy.
