The road to recovery is different for everyone. Some take longer than others, some fight it more than others. I am not going to cover every single aspect of my treatment, but I will share with you some of the most substantial for me.
Oh and what a road! Actually to be honest, it felt more like a roller coaster. Ups and downs, lefts and rights and loopy loops! The only difference is that it is so dark you can't see the road ahead so you have no idea what is coming.
Treatment consisted of twice a week sessions with my social worker to coach me through daily life, teach me coping strategies and guide me through my thoughts, feeling and emotions. I also visited my psychiatrist once a week to monitor my medications and discuss my progress. I also visited my Nurse Practitioner on a frequent basis to work through the physical symptoms and to calm fears about my children.
I had stopped driving as I couldn't keep focused on anything long enough. At this point, I could not watch a half hour sitcom, read a book, cook for myself or anything that I normally enjoy. My compulsion was cleaning, but I couldn't focus long enough to truly get any one task finished. This only frustrated me more as not only had I lost all the things I loved to do but now I couldn't even keep my house clean...which was one of my most important aspects of how I judged myself. Every time I left the house, be it for a Doctor appointment, shopping or a walk, I would have an anxiety attack. So I stopped leaving the house other than for Doctor appointments.
While I did and still am taking anti-depressives, they are only a very small percentage of my recovery. I am not in a constant drug induced state of happiness. I have sad days, angry days and happy days just like everyone else. The medication only balances a chemical imbalance in my body, much like diabetics take insulin. Like diabetics, diet, exercise and listening to my body are the key to feeling good and being healthy. I eat better not just to lose weight, but because I feel better. I go to the gym because it makes me look better, feel better and gives me more energy to take on life and it's roller coaster rides. For me one of my biggest triggers is my sleep. I have to ensure that I get plenty of sleep. I do take a low dose sleeping pill, but only as needed. I typically only use it when I am working night shifts (with 12 hr rotating shifts every minute of sleep is important), but if I have a bad night I make sure to take a pill the next. I find life much easier to deal with, understand and take head on when I am well rested.
The other aspect of my recovery, was to be active in my treatments, go to all my appointments, and be willing to try anything that was suggested, regardless of how silly or stupid I thought it was. The first step was to recognize my feelings and be able to identify them. I know what you are thinking.....I had to be crazy to not know how I felt.....and you are right! I had denied myself "feelings" for so long that I couldn't even tell you how anything made me feel. I only had one feeling...sad.
Once I learned that not only did I have different feelings, but that I was entitled to have them, I had to be able to differentiate them. To start, randomly I would take a piece of paper and write down the last thing I had done or experienced that day. It could be something as small as taking a bath, or for me taking a walk downtown. I would then think about how it made me feel. Was I happy, relaxed, anxious, sad, angry, indifferent etc. Then I would decide if this feeling was reasonable. Was I angry that the bathroom was a mess, then I cleaned it. Was being angry that the bathroom was dirty reasonable? No. Bathrooms get dirty, was my bathroom any worse than the average household with kids...No. Was the world going to end because there was soap scum in my bathtub....no again. How do I change this? For me I had to continue analyzing every situation and every feeling until I could believe and trust my own feelings. One of the key things that helped me change my thinking was talking to my Mom. Growing up, my Mom kept an insanely clean house and raised my brother and I and my Dad. One day I asked her how she did it all. Clean house, good kids, happy husband etc. Her response "I cried....a lot." How did I want my kids to remember me, as a good housekeeper, angry and yelling all the time? Or a not so clean house but livable, and happy and fun to be with. I take #2 any day!
Now that I had this important tool it was time to get back to being a normal person who would leave the house, go shopping, go to a movie or out to eat. Scary!!! I started small. I would have my husband drive me to a store during quiet hours. I would just sit in the parking lot. At first I couldn't even make it to the parking lot, eventually I could get there and sit for awhile. Next step was to go and get out of the car and stand in front of the store. Again this took time to be able to achieve. Then go into the store, just inside close to the exit. Next to walk through, not buy anything just 'window' shop so that I didn't feel trapped. Eventually I worked myself up to first buying 1 or 2 things then to doing an entire list. This took several months to accomplish.
After being able to do this for awhile, the subject of returning to work was discussed. I was terrified. I was still linking work with my downfall. But instead of running I decided to take this challenge as simply that.....a challenge. I was going to prove that I was a good worker, wanted to work and deserved to work just as much as the rest.
