Change is blowing in the wind.....

Doubt whom you will,  but never yourself. ~ Christian Bovee

Change.....that is really what the company I work for should be called.  :)   The company is going through yet another restructuring.  It goes through it every 5 years or so, and so this is my second time through.  This time is more in the open, at least with those of us techs on the floor.  Anyhow to make this long story short, there is going to be a lot of changes happening which include people moving to new teams, new departments and new roles.  This means that I could be moved anywhere in the plant to do any job and work any shift.   I am not a huge fan of change.  It is not a guarantee that I will be moved.  It is possible that one or more of my team mates, or even team leader could change.  Either way I am going to try very hard to embrace the change and grow with it.  I am writing this so that IF the change first feels difficult, I can come back and read this to remind me that I CAN embrace the change and promised myself that I would try my very hardest to do it.  I will keep you posted on how this works out.  I know I can do it, it is just a matter of how long it will take me to grieve my current happiness and comfort in my team/role and embrace and love my new team.

Outside of work, life is good.  I am working a lot of overtime, so there is not a lot of time other than work and sleep, but it is good.  My kids love to drive me crazy, which of course is their job  :)  My hubby seems to enjoy joining them in the cause, but I guess that is his job too lol.   I am looking forward to this weekend, (which starts tonight for me!) we have no plans, so a weekend of relaxing and getting caught up on house stuff is on slate for me.

My weight on the other hand is a challenge mentally for me (ok physically too).  It has gone up, I am sure that some of it is due to gaining muscle, but I know some is just weight.  It is so very frustrating.  I try so hard not to be hard on myself and stay positive, but it truly is a HUGE challenge for me right now.  Especially at work.  There are full length mirrors in every washroom/locker room and you can't avoid them since they stare you right in the face when you walk through the door.  I have always hated looking in the mirror (even when I was skinny.....man I was silly then) so seeing myself every day at least a few times a day is a constant 'in your face' reminder of how i feel/look.  :(     I wish I could love my body, but I just can't.  I try, believe me I do try, but that is one challenge that I honestly do not want to embrace, own or deal with period.  I want the magic wand, lypo suction, easy fix etc.  Does that make me shallow?  Weak?  Hypocrite?   Most likely, but at the same time that I want that magic wand I also know that I need to win this battle too.

I have been asked a lot of questions since 'coming out' about my journey.
Do I think that people who are suffering from depression are lazy.
    My answer "Absolutely Not", it is a debilitating disease that makes one self destructive.  Your body and mind play tricks on you.  It takes a lot of work, strength and endurance to want to get better.

Do I think that everyone can overcome the challenge?  
    That one is hard to answer.  I would love to say 'Of Course!!'  But as we all know that is not the reality of today.  I honestly believe that it takes a lot of hard work and support from family, friends, doctors and social workers to take on the challenge, BUT I also know that each journey is as individual as a snowflake.

Did I want the magic wand or happy pill?
     Do I really need to answer that?  Of course I did, but I had to come to the conclusion that it didn't exist, I am not a princess in fairy tale land.  Some may not be able to overcome the challenge no matter how much they want it, no matter how much support they have.  Just because we want something bad enough and work our hardest, isn't a guarantee that it will happen the way we want.  If that were the case, no one would die of cancer, be over weight or have pimples as teenagers.  Life is still life, all we can do is live it the best we can.  I wish I were a fairy princess in fairy land, then I wouldn't have been depressed, but then again I wouldn't be me.

Did you think of suicide?
      Yes and No.  Confused?  So was I.   I thought of it, but I also thought of my husband and kids and regardless of how I felt about myself, they love me.  I may insult/offend some people here, but it is my OPINION that suicide is an act of selfishness.  It is also a horrible trick that our minds play on us while we are depressed.  It is like the devil sitting on your shoulder, it often floats through the back of your mind, it is just when it makes it to the front of your mind that it is impossible to ignore.  My understanding, from speaking with my doctors and others who have thought of it and/or attempted it, that most often a suicide is not planned.  Sometimes it is simply a sudden, 'in your face', compelling thought that you just can't ignore, you just 'have to'.  Other times it is planned, it is that constant devil on your shoulder that wears you so far down that you believe that you have no worth, not just to yourself, but others.  This is what saved me, so to speak.  I have a husband that loves me and 2 beautiful children that also love me, so no matter how much that devil told me that I was worthless, I held on to the small thread that they loved me and I couldn't bare to leave my husband a widower and my children to grow up without a mother.  It was my love for THEM that gave me the ammo against that devil and the starting leverage to want to fight back.  I thank God everyday that my hubby fought for me too.  I don't know if I would have been able to find something else worth fighting for if he and the kids had left me too............

Tell your partner or spouse that you love them, hug your kids extra tight if you have them.  Even if you think you are all alone......you're not.  Someone loves you and will fight for you if you give them a chance.

You are not alone, I am here.  Keep walking to the light.