As life continued on, I continued on. I bought my first home, had another baby and began a new career, first as a temporary technician and then a year later as a full time permanent technician at another plant. Over those years my symptoms worsened without my knowledge. Life became progressively difficult for me, my family and also at work.
Looking back now we all see the signs and they are soooooooooooooo obvious! I guess at the time, I was just trying to get through each day. I tried to do everything myself and do it perfectly. I had to be the perfect mom, housekeeper, cook and bread winner. My kids had to be perfect, as well as my husband and anything less than perfect made me feel as though I was a complete failure. I couldn't handle dirt on the floor, dirty dishes on the counter. I couldn't handle my kids crying (no matter the reason behind it), my husband frustrated me as he isn't perfect. My house wasn't perfect, my kids, my husband or myself. My world was falling apart and I couldn't even tell you why, when to everyone else I had the perfect life...2 kids, loving husband, good job, a home etc.....I was miserable trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be.
When I started my new job at the new plant, I was commuting 1.5hrs each way. The first few weeks were only 8 hour days during training, then I went on shift working 12hr rotating shifts. During this time, I was trying to sell our home, buy a new home and still be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper and worker. At the 6 month mark we moved to the new city, transferred our daughter to her new school and my husband began his unemployment. I had been able to hide my sadness, depression and feelings of failure from everyone, even myself for almost 6 months. Just when everything should have gotten easier, things for me got worse and worse. By the time I made my 1 year anniversary, I was placed back on probation for 6mths at the end of the term if my work had not improved greatly I would lose my job. I never told my husband that things were bad, much less that bad. I never made it through the probation. One day I went to the health centre to get tylenol for a headache that had been around for days. I started to cry and couldn't stop. The nurse decided to take me off work and sent to the crisis centre for depression. Thankfully my job was safe, I only had to go onto disability benefits. The nurse called my husband and told him that I needed to be picked up that I could no longer work.
Well now my secret was out and my husband was hit from out of nowhere with the news that I was no longer able to work, when only a few hours earlier I had left for work.
The next day I went to the emergency room to meet with the crisis centre. I was then referred to my Nurse practitioner for on going treatment. My NP who had only met me a couple weeks before was now faced with someone who completely fell apart. With much help from her and my Doctor I was finally accepted into the outpatient program at the local Psychiatric Hospital. It took almost a month and a lot of pressure from my NP, Doctor and the crisis centre but I was finally going to be treated.
Within a few visits I received my diagnosis and began my treatments and my journey to recovery. I didn't do it alone. I had my NP, my Doctor, my Psychiatrist, my Social Worker, a little medication and a lot of support from my husband, best friend and family.
