This past weekend was one of surprises and change. In the department that I work for we were 'Line Dedicated' as in we always worked/operated the same lines every shift. In the year and a bit that I have been in my department I have always worked on the same lines. Saturday that all changed. I came in Saturday morning and went through my regular routine before our team meeting but was told by my supervisor that my team leader wanted to talk to me. I was a little nervous but decided to push my negative emotions out of the way and focus on it possibly being a positive thing! lol well it was! I have been moved to another line. While that in itself brings new challenges and possibilities, the other reason for me being excited is the fact that the department is getting a new line and it will be installed to run with the line I have been moved to. Being part of a new line is always a good thing! I am also excited to work on my new line and use all my experience over the last year to help improve not only the line but myself and my skills!! Unfortunately while this was a great move for me, the woman I was expecting to work with, was moved to replace me on the other line. There is so much involved in the decision, and so much more than we even know, but it stills comes down to me gaining an amazing opportunity and the other woman missing it. She will have other opportunities and will learn a lot but I still feel bad that she is not only unhappy but that she is missing out on something she wanted so much.....to learn the new line.
For me life is good. Work is good for me, my family is healthy and so am I. Is there really anything else that you could truly want???? (Beside financial stability, material things etc....that is...lol)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Blogging or Journalling Helps
Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. -Norman B. Rice [more light = fewer shadows!]
I became a hermit so to speak when I became ill and stopped working. Being a hermit can be very lonely. I reached out in the only way that I could both mentally and physically and that is through the internet. The computer was a release for me. I could play a game or work on graphic design without getting frustrated. I found that I could focus solely on the computer without the frustration that other simple tasks now created. I think the main reason for this was the ever changing focus of what was on the screen and there being no expectation from myself. I started with playing an old game that I had already conquered and grew into digital scrapbooking. I read blogs since I didn't have to remember or know what had happened to enjoy it, plus each post was like a new short story. One of the first bloggers I came across and have followed for 3 years now, has begun her own journey with depression. She fought hard to avoid help and to do it on her own, but has now accepted that she needs help and doesn't have to do it alone. Her blog can be found HERE. She is just beginning her journey so if you are there too, you may want to follow it. She has a great support from her family and friends and even 100s of her blog followers.
Blogging or journalling is a great release/therapy for some and I encourage anyone to try it. Even if you are not on your own journey but are supporting a friend or loved one on theirs you may find it helpful. I blogged through most of my journey and found it extremely helpful. Whether you choose to share your experience through a blog, or keep it private in a book or computer file is up to you and your comfort level.
Give it a try, you just might enjoy it.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Mental Illness Awareness Week - October 3-9th.
There are 2 ways of spreading Light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it - Edith Wharton
Mental Illness Awareness week here is October 3rd to the 9th. I was asked by my social worker to speak about my journey. I agreed since I think it is very important to bring awareness and understanding. Anyhow, I am going to be speaking October 6th. I am nervous as this will be the first time I have spoke publicly to 100s of people at a time about my journey. I have prepared my speech and I will post it here after the 6th along with news on how it went.
I came home from work Wednesday night to some sad news. A dear friend of mine who has made a similar journey as I have is walking that journey yet again. My heart cries for him. It is always a fear that I could become ill again, and to hear that my friend has breaks my heart. He has a lot of support from his family and the medical field. I wish I could be there with him to support him also, but he is on the other side of the world so I must send my love and support to him through the internet. I met him shortly after I was diagnosed and he was there to share his experience and help me through my journey. I only hope I can help him as much as he helped me........
He sent me a poem that he wrote about his feelings and the darkness. I am going to share it with you now.
The Voice
the voice
sometimes it takes over my body and soul
it attacks with fury and rage and all
the voice i hear is malignant and vile
it attacks with vigour and anger but no style
it attacks me all day without thought or remorse
its insults hurt like a kick from a horse
this voice i hear ive heard it for years
it shouts out constantly pounding in my ears
come sun come storm and followed by rain
its always there to dish out its pain
as night draws in and i long for my bed
the voice i have heard subsides in my head
always alive its never dead
creature or devil or human kind
this thing took up residence in my mind.
we live together in torment and in hell
it lingers about like the foulest of smells
i pray one day that this voice it hides
and leaves the place of which it resides.
Mental Illness Awareness week here is October 3rd to the 9th. I was asked by my social worker to speak about my journey. I agreed since I think it is very important to bring awareness and understanding. Anyhow, I am going to be speaking October 6th. I am nervous as this will be the first time I have spoke publicly to 100s of people at a time about my journey. I have prepared my speech and I will post it here after the 6th along with news on how it went.
I came home from work Wednesday night to some sad news. A dear friend of mine who has made a similar journey as I have is walking that journey yet again. My heart cries for him. It is always a fear that I could become ill again, and to hear that my friend has breaks my heart. He has a lot of support from his family and the medical field. I wish I could be there with him to support him also, but he is on the other side of the world so I must send my love and support to him through the internet. I met him shortly after I was diagnosed and he was there to share his experience and help me through my journey. I only hope I can help him as much as he helped me........
He sent me a poem that he wrote about his feelings and the darkness. I am going to share it with you now.
The Voice
the voice
sometimes it takes over my body and soul
it attacks with fury and rage and all
the voice i hear is malignant and vile
it attacks with vigour and anger but no style
it attacks me all day without thought or remorse
its insults hurt like a kick from a horse
this voice i hear ive heard it for years
it shouts out constantly pounding in my ears
come sun come storm and followed by rain
its always there to dish out its pain
as night draws in and i long for my bed
the voice i have heard subsides in my head
always alive its never dead
creature or devil or human kind
this thing took up residence in my mind.
we live together in torment and in hell
it lingers about like the foulest of smells
i pray one day that this voice it hides
and leaves the place of which it resides.
The Battle Continues
Everyday is a challenge and a choice. Sometimes the choice is easy.....happy, other times it is so hard to choose happy and sadness overrules. I have come against a few difficult challenges of late. I must admit that I chose sadness and hurt, at least at first. Both of my challenges happened at work.
My first challenge was with a woman that I work with on my line. While I really didn't have a huge issue with her, it turned out that she had a HUGE one with me. When things finally came to a head, we talked the situation out. I had taken it very personally, and it took me some time to re-enforce that the problem was hers and not mine. She was taking very thing I said or did as being vicious and out to get her. She felt that I was bossy and overbearing, abrasive and in competition with her. As personal follow-up from that talk, I spoke with everyone on the team and asked them if they felt the same way. No one agreed, whether they did or not, they would not admit it to my face, so I took it that they didn't feel that way. :) With that in my pocket I began to internalize the hurt, and I was able to convince myself again that I was not the issue. Even though I wasn't intentionally trying to do those things, she convinced me that I was that type of person. I KNOW I am not that type of person, and I should have never let her hurt me the way she did, but I did. Things between us are good now, we seem to have come to an agreement. I have learned another valuable lesson and can choose to be happy again. :)
The second challenge is also at work. The line beside mine has 4 co-workers who run the line. There are 3 women and a man. There has been a lot of upset and anger between the women and man. Basically the man feels he is doing all the work, the women are doing to much visiting, long breaks and leave the physical work to him. One of the women is the 'line shift leader' or basically the supervisor for that line. She is very upset about the allegations and is out to prove it wrong. The battle between the 2 sides has turned into a 'pissing contest' for lack of a better term. They have become petty and childish. How does this affect me??? Well apparently the man has told the women that people from the other 2 lines in the department agree with him and feel they are lazy etc. That is where I come in....yippie. At first it wasn't a huge deal. I was approached by this woman to attend a meeting to bring this situation to the open and deal with it. Sure no problem. I told her that I didn't care what they did on their line, that has nothing to do with me, they can take 2 hour breaks for all I care. I haven't had to go over and help on the line without them being there so I have nothing to be concerned about. Well I guess that didn't satisfy her. 4 more times she pulled me aside and gave me the same 'riot act'. Each time she said she would be talking to the other 2 people she suspects is spreading these rumours/ agreeing with the man. She never did speak to the other 2. The last time she approached me, she claimed that my boss was getting feedback from other departments that I was involved and that I could 'get into trouble' (ie formal discipline) if I didn't stop. I told her AGAIN that it wasn't me, I didn't care what they did, couldn't say that they did anymore or less than anyone else because I was busy running my own line and dealing with my own B*ll Sh!t on my line! I was feeling targeted, harassed and that this situation has gone way to far. I decided to approach my boss and ask him if what she said was true and let him know how I felt. He told me that I haven't done anything wrong, even if I was doing the gossiping I still couldn't get into trouble. He agreed that I should confront her and let her know she is going to far and is harassing me and making me feel targeted. He said that if that did not stop her he would. So now I am still feeling targeted and harassed, but I know that I am not going to get into any trouble telling her to back off! So I am just waiting for my next shift Monday night to see if she comes at me again!
Otherwise life is good! Work is good outside of the political, high school stuff. My kids are amazing as always. My daughter has started Grade 4 and my son.....my baby....started Grade 1!!! No more babies in this house....... Along with the babies growing up so has the cheap Christmas presents. My daughter is DYING for an iPod Touch. It is a hard lesson for her, but one that I feel is important. I do plan on getting her one for Christmas (sadly most of her friends are very well off and get these expensive things handed over to them. An iPod Touch and a laptop for a birthday or end of school present are not unheard of...) Anyhow I remind her not to get her heart set on getting one (too late) because they are extremely expensive. She has been saving to buy one, she has saved 70$ so far, but at this rate it will take her another 2 years to save. I am proud of her for saving. I also let her know that if she did get the iPod that she would most likely not get anything else for Christmas. She seems ok with that, disappointed, but she wants this iPod so badly. So after discussing with my hubby we hope to get the iPod as a gift from us and Santa will bring things she needs but aren't life mandatory, such as paint for her room, a new duvet & cover, sheets etc. Then there is my son. Who wants the XBox 360! So we are hoping to be able to pull off the same deal for him. We give the XBox and Santa brings room stuff........we are most likely insane, but since we can't keep up with the Jones the least we can do is try to give them the 1 thing they want the most. The other items they both have on their Christmas list are a laptop, camera, blah blah blah!!
So that is my life for the last few months. Everyday is a challenge and everyday is a choice. Sometimes I choose right other days not. But I am still the one who makes the choice and I don't choose sad everyday.
cheers!
My first challenge was with a woman that I work with on my line. While I really didn't have a huge issue with her, it turned out that she had a HUGE one with me. When things finally came to a head, we talked the situation out. I had taken it very personally, and it took me some time to re-enforce that the problem was hers and not mine. She was taking very thing I said or did as being vicious and out to get her. She felt that I was bossy and overbearing, abrasive and in competition with her. As personal follow-up from that talk, I spoke with everyone on the team and asked them if they felt the same way. No one agreed, whether they did or not, they would not admit it to my face, so I took it that they didn't feel that way. :) With that in my pocket I began to internalize the hurt, and I was able to convince myself again that I was not the issue. Even though I wasn't intentionally trying to do those things, she convinced me that I was that type of person. I KNOW I am not that type of person, and I should have never let her hurt me the way she did, but I did. Things between us are good now, we seem to have come to an agreement. I have learned another valuable lesson and can choose to be happy again. :)
The second challenge is also at work. The line beside mine has 4 co-workers who run the line. There are 3 women and a man. There has been a lot of upset and anger between the women and man. Basically the man feels he is doing all the work, the women are doing to much visiting, long breaks and leave the physical work to him. One of the women is the 'line shift leader' or basically the supervisor for that line. She is very upset about the allegations and is out to prove it wrong. The battle between the 2 sides has turned into a 'pissing contest' for lack of a better term. They have become petty and childish. How does this affect me??? Well apparently the man has told the women that people from the other 2 lines in the department agree with him and feel they are lazy etc. That is where I come in....yippie. At first it wasn't a huge deal. I was approached by this woman to attend a meeting to bring this situation to the open and deal with it. Sure no problem. I told her that I didn't care what they did on their line, that has nothing to do with me, they can take 2 hour breaks for all I care. I haven't had to go over and help on the line without them being there so I have nothing to be concerned about. Well I guess that didn't satisfy her. 4 more times she pulled me aside and gave me the same 'riot act'. Each time she said she would be talking to the other 2 people she suspects is spreading these rumours/ agreeing with the man. She never did speak to the other 2. The last time she approached me, she claimed that my boss was getting feedback from other departments that I was involved and that I could 'get into trouble' (ie formal discipline) if I didn't stop. I told her AGAIN that it wasn't me, I didn't care what they did, couldn't say that they did anymore or less than anyone else because I was busy running my own line and dealing with my own B*ll Sh!t on my line! I was feeling targeted, harassed and that this situation has gone way to far. I decided to approach my boss and ask him if what she said was true and let him know how I felt. He told me that I haven't done anything wrong, even if I was doing the gossiping I still couldn't get into trouble. He agreed that I should confront her and let her know she is going to far and is harassing me and making me feel targeted. He said that if that did not stop her he would. So now I am still feeling targeted and harassed, but I know that I am not going to get into any trouble telling her to back off! So I am just waiting for my next shift Monday night to see if she comes at me again!
Otherwise life is good! Work is good outside of the political, high school stuff. My kids are amazing as always. My daughter has started Grade 4 and my son.....my baby....started Grade 1!!! No more babies in this house....... Along with the babies growing up so has the cheap Christmas presents. My daughter is DYING for an iPod Touch. It is a hard lesson for her, but one that I feel is important. I do plan on getting her one for Christmas (sadly most of her friends are very well off and get these expensive things handed over to them. An iPod Touch and a laptop for a birthday or end of school present are not unheard of...) Anyhow I remind her not to get her heart set on getting one (too late) because they are extremely expensive. She has been saving to buy one, she has saved 70$ so far, but at this rate it will take her another 2 years to save. I am proud of her for saving. I also let her know that if she did get the iPod that she would most likely not get anything else for Christmas. She seems ok with that, disappointed, but she wants this iPod so badly. So after discussing with my hubby we hope to get the iPod as a gift from us and Santa will bring things she needs but aren't life mandatory, such as paint for her room, a new duvet & cover, sheets etc. Then there is my son. Who wants the XBox 360! So we are hoping to be able to pull off the same deal for him. We give the XBox and Santa brings room stuff........we are most likely insane, but since we can't keep up with the Jones the least we can do is try to give them the 1 thing they want the most. The other items they both have on their Christmas list are a laptop, camera, blah blah blah!!
So that is my life for the last few months. Everyday is a challenge and everyday is a choice. Sometimes I choose right other days not. But I am still the one who makes the choice and I don't choose sad everyday.
cheers!
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