Update: My weight loss journey

The best way to cheer yourself up, is to try to cheer somebody else - Mark Twain

The countdown is on.......only 5 days to go!!   I think I am more excited for Christmas than my kids are.  lol 

I'm sorry that I haven't updated you in so long, but I have been busy.  Between work, life, kids and preparing for Christmas, I am just about worn out!!  It is all good though. 

2 weeks ago I started the Curves Weight Management Plan.  I was very hesitant to do it, not because I didn't think it would work but more because I thought that I would tire of the whole 'diet' idea very quickly.  I am not a big 'plan ahead what you are going to eat' person, I like to go with the flow so to speak :p.  The first week also called Phase 1 I did plan ahead and pre-portioned all my food and printed my menus for each day.   I knew that wasn't going to work for the rest of the time.  I started Phase 2 and have been 'flying by the seat of my pants' so to speak and only planning a full day when I am going to be working.  The rest of the time I followed the plan as closely as I could without the pre planning.  And so far it is working :)

Phase 1 was 7 days and I lost 7.5 pounds.
Now a week into Phase 2 I have lost another 1.25 pounds!!!  It sure feels good to see the scale tipping in my favour.  :D:D:D

Now don't for one minute think that I have given up all the foods I love etc.  So this is what has changed.  I now go to the gym 3 days a week regardless if I am working or not.  This does mean that I have to get up and be at the gym for 6am at least once a week, but the other days I go later in the day.  The other big change is I am trying to drink more water/tea, and average 9 glasses a day.  I ate pizza during my first week, which is most definitely NOT on the menu, but I looked online to see how many calories were in a slice and tried to stay as close as I could to the remaining calories, protien and fat that I was allowed.  I got to eat 3 medium slices.....normally I would eat until I felt over full ( I LOVE Pizza! ) but the 3 slices satisfied me just fine.  I also had a can of pop, another big no no, but I knew that if I denied myself all my favorites then I wouldn't stick to it anyways.  So all that and I still lost 7.5lbs that week.  Not bad eh?

So week 2.....I had a Christmas dinner at work, I allowed myself decent portions, ate until I was satisfied and had a small piece of Chocolate for desert.  Yesterday was a family Christmas dinner, and I allowed myself quite a few treats, but spread out over the day and again a good meal without over stuffing myself and today the scale tells me another 1.5pounds......I am very happy with myself.

I am not going to worry about what I am eating Christmas day at all, I am just going to drink my water, eat until I am satisfied and enjoy dessert too.  Even if I gain a few pounds I know that I can refocus on the plan and get it off again.

In other news...my Doctors that have helped me along my Journey, have nominated me for an Inspiration Award!  The award is given to 2 people who have not only had their own journey, but who have worked to help educate people on Depression/Anxiety and break the stigma surrounding it.  I had no idea such an award existed, and even less so consider myself one for the running.  The award will be presented in March.  Who knows if I will be chosen, but as they say it is an Honour to be Nominated!!

In all aspects, Life is good.  I am unbelievably excited for Christmas this year.  I can hardly wait!  I know I am going to have to take a sleeping pill that night to make sure I get some sleep!!

I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas!!

Cheers!

Time flies!

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.” ~ Albert Einstein
Wow times sure does fly!!  I can't believe it has been so long since the last time I posted.
Life has been generally great for me.  My kids had a great Halloween, and my hubby and I got to enjoy it this year too!   Since my time off, our financial situation has been very difficult to say the least.  Things are getting easier as time passes and we have finally gotten to a point where we could consolidate and reduce our monthly payments.  We now have some breathing room and even some cash between pay days.  It sure does feel nice, and makes the holidays so much easier to enjoy.  Halloween was the first, and to celebrate we bought great costumes for the kids this year.  My son was Frankenstein's Monster, and my daughter was a witch.

Now here we are almost the end of November and Christmas is just around the corner.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  It was the only holiday we truly celebrated when I was growing up.  While every Christmas with my kids has been special, it is so wonderful that this year we can buy exactly what we want for the kids without having to break the bank.

Earlier this week I went to spend a few days with my best friend.  We had a great visit except that she became sick the 2nd day I was there.  :(  I had a good time none the less playing with the kids and just visiting. 

Well I am off to relax for awhile, been busy super cleaning the house today.  lol  Don't worry it really truly did need it!

Cheers!

Just Get Over It ~ Update

A Journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step = Lao-Tzu

Here are the links to the article(s) again. 
Part 1: http://www.recorder.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2793226
Part 2: http://www.recorder.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2794895
I learned the other day that a condensed version of the article was on the front page of the Recorder and Times Extra - The free once a week paper they publish.
The Free Recorder and Times Extra: http://www.recorder.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?archive=true&e=1716970

I am still overwhelmed by the response that I am still receiving regarding my speech!  I came home from work on Sunday night to the phone ringing.  When I answered I was shocked that it was someone who had read the article in the paper and was so touched by it that he had to call.  He was an older gentleman and his wife has battled with schizophrenia for more than 40 years.  He was happy to see a 'happy story'.  Then again today while I was at the gym I was thanked by a woman for speaking out and that the story was very well written.  I am still stopped at work a few times a day but someone congratulating me on speaking out.

I must admit it is quite exciting :)  I also am shocked at how many people not only read the article but also have been affected by it.  Especially those who don't know me and take the time to write, call or find me on facebook, as well as those who have stopped me in person while shopping etc.  It is touching and is also saddening and comforting all at the same time.  I am touched that people are receiving it so well, I am saddened that so many people 'get it' and am also comforted that I am not alone, and am getting so much positive feedback from this experience.  I was fearful of how people would react towards me afterward.  So far only the positive has reached me, and for that I am thankful.

In other news... lol, life at work is as dramatic as ever but home is wonderful.  My kids are doing well, growing like weeds!!!  With Halloween just around the corner they are getting excited about Trick or Treating :)  Myself I can't help but get excited about Christmas!!  I love Christmas and I think this year is going to be extra special.


I hope your life is going well.  If it isn't and you are getting to the end of your rope......just tie a knot and hang on!!!  Life is worth living :)

Another day of surprises

Mediocre people do exceptional things all the time... - OK Go

Today is another good day.  It started out with a sick little boy, whom I suspect has just missed being home with Mommy, and has become a pretty great day!  

Once my husband came home from doing his bus run he asked if we wanted to go out for Breakfast and then get the groceries.  My son who has a stomach that can never be filled, jumped at the opportunity to go to his favorite breakfast spot.  It is right beside the train station and it was always our favorite spot to take the kids when we first moved here as the idea of missing a train going by would keep them relatively well behaved lol.  Anyhow turned out that they were very happy to see us.  Our favorite waitress immediately came over and said she had seen us in the paper.  She also told me she was so thankful for me sharing my story.  She had no idea that I had been going through such a rough time over these past few years she has known me.  She also went on to tell me how her daughter is going through very much the same thing I have.  She asked me if I would be willing to talk with her daughter.  I told her I would be more than happy to, that if I could help her I would, but I am not a Doctor and definitely not magical just someone who "Gets It".

I was also asked yet again if I would be willing to start a support group.  I am so surprised every time I get asked this!  But at the same time I do understand as when I was on my journey there were all sorts of support groups for the families and for addiction sufferers, but nothing for those suffering of depression or anxiety.   I am considering talking to my Social worker  at our next visit and see if there is anyway of getting some support from the Hospital or the Addiction Resource Centre to get something started.  I would love to get involved and help something get off the ground etc, but at this time I still work 12hr shifts and full time plus I have my own recovery to be aware of so I don't want to risk spreading myself too thin, so would rather not tackle something this big completely alone.

Well, I think I will go and unload and reload my dishwasher.  Now that we have our 'Smart Meters' for hydro my husband doesn't want me running the dishwasher during the day.....I have to wait until bedtime to start it or get up extremely early to get it started....and same goes for laundry!  If they keep raising the cost we will be sleeping all day and living at night lol!!

Anyways, hope you are having a great day!!

No words can express........

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.  ~Sally Field

I am so completely overwhelmed by the response from my speech!  I knew that it was important and that it would help others in a way that I wasn't helped, but I had no idea that I would touch another person's life in such a personal way.....

Yesterday I went to visit my in-laws with my husband and kids for Thanksgiving Dinner.  (We live in Canada eh? lol)  We had a lovely visit and an amazing dinner (Thanks Mom!)  As a tradition we go around the table and each say what we are most thankful for this past year.  With all of the recent discussion around my speech, illness etc I said again that I am most thankful for my family and friends and the amazing support they gave me during one of the hardest times of my life.  Especially to my wonderful husband who chose to stay by my side and sacrificed so much to help me recover. 

We came home late last night so I didn't check my mail box for any newspapers or flyers, but this morning when my husband woke up he went to get them.  Much to my surprise the Saturday Recorder and Times was waiting for us with a note from our delivery woman "Great article guys!!"  I knew to expect an article in the paper, but I had no idea it would be this soon...  AND I definitely had no idea that it would be on THE FRONT PAGE!!!!  I opened the paper so that I could turn through the pages and there just below the leading story was mine....the Saturday profile 'Mental Illness can strike anyone'.  My husband had to read the article to me, I was still in shock.  At the end of the article were the words ( "Road to Recovery" continues on Tuesday, Oct. 12.)  WHAT??!!  Another part to the article??  OMGoodness!  I could not believe it.  I expected a short column story somewhere in the back pages of the paper, but the Front Page?????? much less another part???


My shock does not end here....oh no....not at all.....  :)
I spent the rest of the day simply relaxing with my family.  I did call my parents to let them know I had indeed made the paper (and to stroke my ego just a little, I informed them it was the front page and another part to come!)  But there was nothing to prepare me for the surprise I just received.  As I came down to get ready for bed, read a little before going to sleep.  My husband asked me if I checked my e-mail.  Which of course I hadn't.  I had a friend request on facebook from someone......without revealing his name this was the content of the message:  "Hello April. I read the article in the Recorder and Times. You are a very courageous lady. It took about 30 minutes for my eyes to dry. As a depression survivor I thank you for sharing. Hugs"

Someone not only felt that what I had to say meant something to them, but it meant enough for them to look for me on Facebook??? 

Needless to say I accepted his friend request.  I must say I am excited, shocked and honoured all at the same time along with a billion other emotions!  What I did has become so much more than I ever expected.....



For tonight, I am going to try to sleep.  Tomorrow I will try to sort out all these emotions!!


Happy Thanksgiving to all those here in Canada, and for those who are not celebrating Thanksgiving, I wish you love, happiness, hope and many things to be thankful for...


Good night

'Just Get Over It' ~ A woman's personal experience with Mental Illness

Its not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain

Last night I gave my speech 'Just Get Over It'.  It was a success.  There were more people than I expected.  After my speech was done, we had a Question & Answer session.  There were a lot of great questions and dialogue.  I was approached by a few afterward and I really felt that I made a connection and helped them to feel less alone.  I was so touched to hear that they knew how I felt and that I gave them hope for their own recovery.  I really don't know what words best express how the experience made me feel.  I know I am glad that I did it.....

Yesterday I went to work for a few hours as I had training I wanted to have.  I learned that my speech was announced on the local radio station and that people who knew me had heard it!!  While I was learning this information from one of my co-workers, a co-worker from the HR department overheard our conversation and asked what we were talking about.  I explained that I was giving a speech at the local library that night about my Journey with Mental Illness as well as my return to work.  He congratulated me on my courage and asked if he could post the information on the Employee Info board.....I agreed and told him I would send a copy of the flyer via e-mail once I got home.  Today I received an e-mail from both HR AND the Plant Manager!!  I was shocked!!

Here are the e-mails (I had to edit some to protect the identity of the people and the company)

From HR

As promised I posted your speech time and location on the employee information board. (attached) I am extremely happy to hear you felt supported by 'The Company' during your illness.  Please continue to be a  positive role model when it comes to educating people here at the site around STD(Short Term Disability).  Too often STD is seen as a negative, in most cases just like yours there is a legitimate reason for the persons absence.  And after getting the assistance you needed look what you are achieving and even taking it the next level by helping others understand both inside and outside 'The Company' .

Thanks so much

From The Plant Manager

We have not yet met, but I applaud your courage to share your story with the intent to help others.  It is always most valuable when people are willing to speak from experience about their own personal journeys.  Thank you for your leadership!

Thanks,

I must say that I am not only surprised, but am also touched that these people recognize the courage I needed to find in order to do something so personal and public.  To share my experiences was to share a time when I was most vulnerable.  Also with the stigma and stereotype around Mental Illness, it was very difficult to express what I went through.  

I will post the content of my speech another day.  I will also post the newspaper article/interview once it is published.

For tonight I am going to relax and be proud of accomplishing something I never dreamed I could do!

Dream big, as no dream is truly impossible

Happy Birthday to Me!

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth. -Shira Tehrani

Today is my birthday...I am now 32 years old.  So much has happened in the last 32 years!  I can only imagine what will happen in the next 32. My daughter surprised me with a Birthday card last night.  She made it at school and even had all her classmates and teachers sign it!  What a surprise :)  I must hang it up somewhere...who knows these kids could all be famous someday!! lol

Yesterday I was running all my errands, renewing my driver's license, the stickers for the plates on my van and realizing that my Health Card is expiring before my appointment to renew it.....this year my birthday kinda snuck up on me while I wasn't thinking of it.  All these errands I was running were all due to the deadline of my birthday......made it an expensive day but it came none the less.  I made sure to get some happy exciting shopping done also.....we bought our first Christmas Gift for this upcoming season!  I know it is early, but October is when I start watching for sales on the things I want to buy for Christmas gifts.  I have never paid full price for anything for Christmas.  :)  Everything I buy when it goes on sale, hence why I start so early.  :)  Sure a better deal may come along before Christmas, but who knows if I will have the money when that deal arrives.  I would much rather spread my Christmas expenses over 3 months instead of 3 weeks!

Well I must start thinking about getting ready to sleep today away.

Chat again soon!

A Weekend of Change

This past weekend was one of surprises and change.  In the department that I work for we were 'Line Dedicated'  as in we always worked/operated the same lines every shift.  In the year and a bit that I have been in my department I have always worked on the same lines.  Saturday that all changed.  I came in Saturday morning and went through my regular routine before our team meeting but was told by my supervisor that my team leader wanted to talk to me.  I was a little nervous but decided to push my negative emotions out of the way and focus on it possibly being a positive thing!  lol  well it was!  I have been moved to another line.  While that in itself brings new challenges and possibilities, the other reason for me being excited is the fact that the department is getting a new line and it will be installed to run with the line I have been moved to.  Being part of a new line is always a good thing!  I am also excited to work on my new line and use all my experience over the last year to help improve not only the line but myself and my skills!!   Unfortunately while this was a great move for me, the woman I was expecting to work with, was moved to replace me on the other line.  There is so much involved in the decision, and so much more than we even know, but it stills comes down to me gaining an amazing opportunity and the other woman missing it.  She will have other opportunities and will learn a lot but I still feel bad that she is not only unhappy but that she is missing out on something she wanted so much.....to learn the new line.


For me life is good.  Work is good for me, my family is healthy and so am I.  Is there really anything else that you could truly want????  (Beside financial stability, material things etc....that is...lol)

Blogging or Journalling Helps

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. -Norman B. Rice [more light = fewer shadows!]

I became a hermit so to speak when I became ill and stopped working.  Being a hermit can be very lonely.  I reached out in the only way that I could both mentally and physically and that is through the internet.  The computer was a release for me.  I could play a game or work on graphic design without getting frustrated.  I found that I could focus solely on the computer without the frustration that other simple tasks now created.  I think the main reason for this was the ever changing focus of what was on the screen and there being no expectation from myself.  I started with playing an old game that I had already conquered and grew into digital scrapbooking.  I read blogs since I didn't have to remember or know what had happened to enjoy it, plus each post was like a new short story.   One of the first bloggers I came across and have followed for 3 years now, has begun her own journey with depression.  She fought hard to avoid help and to do it on her own, but has now accepted that she needs help and doesn't have to do it alone.  Her blog can be found HERE.  She is just beginning her journey so if you are there too, you may want to follow it. She has a great support from her family and friends and even 100s of her blog followers. 

Blogging or journalling is a great release/therapy for some and I encourage anyone to try it.  Even if you are not on your own journey but are supporting a friend or loved one on theirs you may find it helpful.  I blogged through most of my journey and found it extremely helpful.  Whether you choose to share your experience through a blog, or keep it private in a book or computer file is up to you and your comfort level.

Give it a try, you just might enjoy it.

Mental Illness Awareness Week - October 3-9th.

There are 2 ways of spreading Light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it - Edith Wharton

Mental Illness Awareness week here is October 3rd to the 9th.  I was asked by my social worker to speak about my journey.  I agreed since I think it is very important to bring awareness and understanding.  Anyhow, I am going to be speaking October 6th. I am nervous as this will be the first time I have spoke publicly to 100s of people at a time about my journey.   I have prepared my speech and I will post it here after the 6th along with news on how it went.

I came home from work Wednesday night to some sad news.  A dear friend of mine who has made a similar journey as I have is walking that journey yet again.  My heart cries for him.  It is always a fear that I could become ill again, and to hear that my friend has breaks my heart.  He has a lot of support from his family and the medical field.  I wish I could be there with him to support him also, but he is on the other side of the world so I must send my love and support to him through the internet.  I met him shortly after I was diagnosed and he was there to share his experience and help me through my journey.  I only hope I can help him as much as he helped me........

He sent me a poem that he wrote about his feelings and the darkness.  I am going to share it with you now.

The Voice

the voice
sometimes it takes over my body and soul
it attacks with fury and rage and all
the voice i hear is malignant and vile
it attacks with vigour and anger but no style
it attacks me all day without thought or remorse
its insults hurt like a kick from a horse
this voice i hear ive heard it for years
it shouts out constantly pounding in my ears
come sun come storm and followed by rain
its always there to dish out its pain
as night draws in and i long for my bed
the voice i have heard subsides in my head
always alive its never dead
creature or devil or human kind
this thing took up residence in my mind.
we live together in torment and in hell
it lingers about like the foulest of smells
i pray one day that this voice it hides
and leaves the place of which it resides.

The Battle Continues

Everyday is a challenge and a choice.  Sometimes the choice is easy.....happy, other times it is so hard to choose happy and sadness overrules.  I have come against a few difficult challenges of late.  I must admit that I chose sadness and hurt, at least at first.  Both of my challenges happened at work.

My first challenge was with a woman that I work with on my line.  While I really didn't have a huge issue with her, it turned out that she had a HUGE one with me.  When things finally came to a head, we talked the situation out.  I had taken it very personally, and it took me some time to re-enforce that the problem was hers and not mine.  She was taking very thing I said or did as being vicious and out to get her.  She felt that I was bossy and overbearing, abrasive and in competition with her.  As personal follow-up from that talk, I spoke with everyone on the team and asked them if they felt the same way.  No one agreed, whether they did or not, they would not admit it to my face, so I took it that they didn't feel that way.  :)  With that in my pocket I began to internalize the hurt, and I was able to convince myself again that I was not the issue.  Even though I wasn't intentionally trying to do those things, she convinced me that I was that type of person.  I KNOW I am not that type of person, and I should have never let her hurt me the way she did, but I did.  Things between us are good now, we seem to have come to an agreement.  I have learned another valuable lesson and can choose to be happy again.  :)

The second challenge is also at work.  The line beside mine has 4 co-workers who run the line.  There are 3 women and a man.  There has been a lot of upset and anger between the women and man.  Basically the man feels he is doing all the work, the women are doing to much visiting, long breaks and leave the physical work to him.  One of the women is the 'line shift leader' or basically the supervisor for that line.  She is very upset about the allegations and is out to prove it wrong.  The battle between the 2 sides has turned into a 'pissing contest' for lack of a better term.  They have become petty and childish.  How does this affect me???  Well apparently the man has told the women that people from the other 2 lines in the department agree with him and feel they are lazy etc.  That is where I come in....yippie.   At first it wasn't a huge deal.  I was approached by this woman to attend a meeting to bring this situation to the open and deal with it.  Sure no problem.  I told her that I didn't care what they did on their line, that has nothing to do with me, they can take 2 hour breaks for all I care.  I haven't had to go over and help on the line without them being there so I have nothing to be concerned about.   Well I guess that didn't satisfy her.  4 more times she pulled me aside and gave me the same 'riot act'.  Each time she said she would be talking to the other 2 people she suspects is spreading these rumours/ agreeing with the man.  She never did speak to the other 2.  The last time she approached me, she claimed that my boss was getting feedback from other departments that I was involved and that I could 'get into trouble' (ie formal discipline) if I didn't stop.  I told her AGAIN that it wasn't me, I didn't care what they did, couldn't say that they did anymore or less than anyone else because I was busy running my own line and dealing with my own B*ll Sh!t on my line!  I was feeling targeted, harassed and  that this situation has gone way to far.  I decided to approach my boss and ask him if what she said was true and let him know how I felt.  He told me that I haven't done anything wrong, even if I was doing the gossiping I still couldn't get into trouble.  He agreed that I should confront her and let her know she is going to far and is harassing me and making me feel targeted.  He said that if that did not stop her he would.  So now I am still feeling targeted and harassed, but I know that I am not going to get into any trouble telling her to back off!  So I am just waiting for my next shift Monday night to see if she comes at me again!


Otherwise life is good!  Work is good outside of the political, high school stuff.  My kids are amazing as always.  My daughter has started Grade 4 and my son.....my baby....started Grade 1!!!  No more babies in this house.......  Along with the babies growing up so has the cheap Christmas presents.  My daughter is DYING for an iPod Touch.  It is a hard lesson for her, but one that I feel is important.  I do plan on getting her one for Christmas (sadly most of her friends are very well off and get these expensive things handed over to them.  An iPod Touch and a laptop for a birthday or end of school present are not unheard of...) Anyhow I remind her not to get her heart set on getting one (too late) because they are extremely expensive.  She has been saving to buy one, she has saved 70$ so far, but at this rate it will take her another 2 years to save.  I am proud of her for saving.  I also let her know that if she did get the iPod that she would most likely not get anything else for Christmas.  She seems ok with that, disappointed, but she wants this iPod so badly.  So after discussing with my hubby we hope to get the iPod as a gift from us and Santa will bring things she needs but aren't life mandatory, such as paint for her room, a new duvet & cover, sheets etc.  Then there is my son.  Who wants the XBox 360!  So we are hoping to be able to pull off the same deal for him.  We give the XBox and Santa brings room stuff........we are most likely insane, but since we can't keep up with the Jones the least we can do is try to give them the 1 thing they want the most.  The other items they both have on their Christmas list are a laptop, camera, blah blah blah!!

So that is my life for the last few months.  Everyday is a challenge and everyday is a choice.  Sometimes I choose right other days not.  But I am still the one who makes the choice and I don't choose sad everyday.

cheers!

Today is August 16th....

Wow time flies!  I started my vacation on July 30th and tonight I go back to work.  I can hardly believe the time has gone by already.  I had a wonderful time off.  The August long weekend we went camping with our best friends.  We all had a great time.  The park was so clean and the sites were big.  The beach was wonderful as the kids could walk out forever without it getting deep.  The playground was a 'participaction' park so all the equipment doubled as fitness equipment too.

We then came home for a few days and had our beautiful God daughter stay with us for the first time in years.  It is so nice to have them living close by again!  We had a good week with her too.

That Friday (Aug 6th) we left for my family reunion.  Another fun weekend!  My kids are both old enough now that I can let them run free in the park without having to worry about them.  Plus the reunion books half of the campsite so everyone watches out for everyone's kids.  Friday night was setup and a corn roast, but my monkeys are always too tired to stay up for the corn roast.  Saturday is visiting, the kids games, horseshoe tournament and then the BIG supper.  This year was fish and deep fried turkey!  Yummy!  We also went to my husband's family get together for a few hours that afternoon.  Neither of us play horseshoes so it was good timing :)   Sunday is the pancake breakfast and taking everything down and packing up and the toonie tosses for both adults and kids.  Then the meeting for next year's reunion.  It ended up raining during packup and breakfast so we decided to head on home.  It was a great time.

The next week we ended up staying at my in-laws and helping get ready for my husband's other side of the family get together.  His cousin was visiting from BC with her son who had just turned 1 (and we hadn't met yet)  She also surprised everyone with the news she was pregnant again!

Finally we returned home the Saturday night.  It sure is nice to be home again.  I spent all day yesterday doing absolutely nothing. Well except for digital scrapbooking.  I am almost finished to last Christmas lol so not too far behind!  Today I went back to the gym.  Oh how good that felt!  I also checked my weight and I haven't lost, but haven't gained either!!  Which is a miracle with the fact that I only went to the gym2-3 times in the 2 weeks and didn't bother keeping my eating in check a whole lot either :P  I plan to start the Curves eating plan next month to give me a boost.  Another nice surprise I had today was that while I knew that last month I had lost 3.5 pounds and a few inches I hadn't realized just how many inches.........drum roll please.......9.75 inches!!!!   Holy Moly!!!  It will be interesting to see how that works out this month since I haven't been doing much, but as long as I don't gain pounds or inches I will be happy!!

Well I guess I had better start getting ready for work.  While I knew this day was coming I was still hoping to become independently wealthy!! LOL  Oh well, I do like my job, I just don't like going to it :P

Cheers!

On the right road...

Well here it is the 21st of July.  I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week and he said that I no longer HAVE to go to see him.  He feels that not only have I recovered, but I am sustaining quite well on my own.  We also discussed lowering or discontinuing my medication.  My thought was that I have been on some form of anti-depressant for over 10 years, which tells me that my chemical imbalance is permanent.  So why risk relapse if I am not suffering from side effects and it isn't harming my body?  His experience is that most patients want to get off the medication, as though the medication determines that they have the illness....not the symptoms.  My argument for that was 'Do people who have high blood pressure stop taking their medication once their blood pressure is lowered??'  I realize that this is my choice and my feelings, and that not everyone looks at the situation the same.  I just think this is the best approach for me.  I am not ashamed of who I am, I am not suffering from side effects (like weight gain) with my current dosages, and all my blood work is fine so there is no liver/kidney strain etc and there is no financial worry.... so why risk it????  We may consider trying to lower my dosage in 6 months, but for now I am happy just as I am. 

On another good note, my weight loss road is also coasting nicely down :)  I am down another 3.5lbs this month along with some inches and 0.5% body fat.  I am now 207lbs!!  7 more pounds and I will celebrate my first goal!  I haven't made any further changes, other than I am not as hungry, so my meals are a bit smaller but I am not depriving myself in anyway.   I want this change to stick so I don't have to worry about what I am eating for the rest of my life.  So far I don't feel like I am dieting or exercising.  I enjoy Curves and since it is only a short time each visit it isn't a chore!

Work is good.  The new supervisor is great.  I am still learning, growing and working hard all around.  I am enjoying my job again.....so nice!

Well I have a little boy who wants to lay down and snuggle with Mommy.  I have been working nights the last 2 nights so he really hasn't seen me since Sunday......shift work sucks sometimes!

Bon Voyage!

No it's not me.  I don't have any time off until August.....
The Bon Voyage goes to my Boss, or should I say ex-boss.  He is off to a new role after he comes back from his vacation and wedding.  Believe it or not, I do wish him well.  He was a pretty good boss/supervisor until about 6 months ago....then he got strict and picky.  Oh well, here's hoping our new Boss will be great.

I am still going to Curves.  I was a little bummed out after my last weigh-in on the 19th.  I hadn't lost any pounds but I did lose some inches and 0.5% body fat.  So it is still positive.  Anywho I went in today, and thought I would weigh myself before my workout and I am down 2.5lbs!!  Yippie!  I am hoping this keeps up for the next few weeks so that my next weigh-in is a success too :)

For Father's Day I made breakfast in bed for my hubby and then he convinced me to get some shorts for myself.  So we went to Pennington's (which I have been avoiding as it was just another thing that made me feel like I would never get the weight off....silly I know....but that is just how I felt) I picked up 2 pairs of Capri pants (one cargo style, one denim) a pair of denim shorts and another pair of Jersey Capri pants for working out or relaxing in.

My son turned 6 yesterday.  On the 19th we had his birthday party at the local cinema.  We and 13 kids (which included my 2 and my nephew) watched Toy Story 3 in 3D.  Great movie.  I almost cried at the end!!  I won't say anything else as I don't want to spoil it for you, but I will say that it was a great movie!  The kids were all so well behaved.  They all sat in a row and watched the whole movie (almost 2hrs long) and I only had to get up 3 times for bathroom breaks lol!

Today is the last day of school.  Both of my kids did well.  My daughter goes on to grade 4 with 7 A's and 7 B's and my son goes to grade 1 with an award for fairness.  The kindergarten classes don't get graded A, B or C.

I guess I should also update you on 'Guy'.  Well....he is doing so much better.  Unfortunately he came around too late so his assessment was a not meeting and he had to prepare an action plan.  But he certainly has stepped up to the plate and is preforming quite well.  He also requested me as a coach/mentor.  I was surprised and flattered.  We are going to work together to get him to take the last steps to be his full potential.   

I requested my contribution assessment be held early so that I could work against any opportunity areas before I present for my promotion.  It went extremely well!  I was so nervous that it would turn out bad, but it didn't.  My co-workers thought I was silly for being worried, but I couldn't help it :)

Well I think that is about all for now.  Life has been stressful, but I am working hard to stay as positive as I can. 

Here is a ripple I received in my email box on Monday that I think is suiting:

The thoughts we choose to think
are the tools we use to paint
the canvas of our lives.
-Louise Hay

Ripples

While my mood hasn't been bad, it has been on the negative side.  Work has had me on a roller coaster ride.  This past Wednesday I attended the plant Business Day.  (It is mandatory, but I am glad I went)  Our guest speaker who is a motivational speaker, gave me the reminder that I needed.  Paul Wesslemann aka "The Ripples Guy", was upbeat, motivational and contagious!  I thoroughly enjoyed his presentation.  If you need a reminder to 'LIG'  Let it go...  visit him at http://theripplesguy.com/ and http://theripplesproject.org/who.php

A little reminder once a week might be just the thing. 
He taught us to Get down to the Y (Why do we do what we do?  What drives us)
Let the bad stuff bounce off (LIG Let it go)
Make little ripples - (Little things make you and others happy, One ripple starts another)
Make many ripples to create a tidal wave! - (Enough ripples cause a tidal wave!)

I signed up for his Monday 60sec inspirational email.  It is free.  I will let you know how the ripples is when I receive my first one :)

Take care and remember... LIG

Happy Long Weekend!

While May 24th is officially the day we celebrate the Birth of Queen Victoria, to many Canadians it is more a day to celebrate the coming of summer!  We Canadians call it the May two four weekend (2-4....like two four of beer???? 24 case of beer??? get it????)

Anyhow, this weekend looks like it is going to be a good one.

Last night after work I went out with the gang from work to have a few drinks and say 'It was great working with you' to a co-worker who's contract has finished.  Jay was transferred to our team only in January but I can't remember what it was like working without him.  He has become a good friend also!  I am not looking forward to my next shifts without him.

Today the kids are both in school and my hubby is working, so I took the morning to relax and recoup from being out so late last night.  Then I did a quick tidy of the house and mowed the lawn.  In another hour or so I will be heading off to the gym.  Then it is home for dinner and off to buy groceries.  Tomorrow will be a day of fun with some good friends of ours.  BBQ, pool, fire  etc nice relaxing day for us and great fun for the kids.

Work has been hectic to say the least.  My boss has been giving me mixed signals and making my work generally more difficult.  I confronted him on it, and while I didn't get the answer I wanted (not that I expected to) but I did do it and am proud of myself for being able to stand up and say You deflated me.  You made me feel that the special project I took on is a waste of time and also that my progressing (promotion) is also not important.  So while it was not something I wanted to do, and also very very difficult for me....I did it.  It is empowering to know that I can do it.

Well that is about all for now.  Life is good!

A prayer for today

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.


Last night I had gone out after work for a couple beer with a few co-workers.  It sure was a good time, but I stayed up way too late for someone who had to get up to get the kids to school!!  lol  oh well you only live once.

Today was a normal day.  After dragging myself out of bed, getting the kids ready for school and convincing myself NOT to crawl back into bed I got dressed and got on with my day.  Hubby and I did a maintenance grocery shopping and stopped by Goodwill to pick up some 'new-to-me' clothes as my work shirts are worn out and my jeans are getting baggy.  :)  The rest of my afternoon was spent getting my area rug outside to be cleaned and then I proceeded to clean my living room.  Tomorrow I tackle the kitchen and bathroom and go to the gym.


Yes, a pretty normal day, a happy day.  My life may not be super exciting but I get enough drama and excitement at work!  It is so nice to have a few days of normalcy to break up all that drama  :p

So be thankful for the quiet days, the normal days, the exciting days and the sad days.  They are all days and all part of who we are and who we want to be.

Another Journey

Life is truly about journeys.  If you have been reading this blog, you know about my toughest journey....but today I am writing about yet another part of that journey which is an entire journey of its own.....weight loss.

Before my nervous breakdown I had quite the nice shaped body.  I was a total of 140lbs (even after having 2 kids!), but unfortunately between the agoraphobia and the multiple medications (of the 9 I was on at one point, 4 had a side effect of weight gain)  I rapidly became at my highest 270lbs.  This only added to my depression and lack of self esteem as well as creating other health issues.

Just as with my depression/anxiety, I had to stop blaming and feeling sorry for myself and do something about it.  While I wanted the weight off and off now, I also didn't want to set myself up for a failure.  My first goal was to just get back to work and get to full time.  I had to focus on my mental health, while ensuring that I wasn't going to make work harder on my body or mind by starving it or over working it.  During the first 4 months back to work I lost 20lbs without changing my eating habits.

Ok so I am back to work and up to full time hours.  Now is the time to make some more changes.  My next task was to visit a nutritionist.  While I was eating fairly healthy, I was eating more than my body needed.  So the next step was to scale back my portions, and make some small changes.  Over the next 6 months I lost yet another 30lbs.  While not as fast as I would have liked, it was coming off in a healthy way.

Then came the plateau.......and this plateau lasted a few months.  I visited my nutritionist yet again and she suggested a few more changes, but I really was eating quite well, so she said the word that I knew was coming but was dreading.....EXERCISE!!!!

While I had gone to the YMCA while I was off work and preparing myself to go back to work, I had stopped with returning to work.  My personal trainer had me doing a half hour of cardio and a half hour of weight training 3 times a week.  I work 12 hour rotating shifts, so trying to get to the gym 3 times a week is practically impossible.  Plus on my days off I am so tired and also busy with household duties and errands that finding the time to spend an hour at the gym plus the travel time made it agonizing to go.  So I thought I would do the next best thing......exercise videos at home.  Yep, total failure.  It was too easy to say I would do it later, didn't feel like it or whatever excuse I could dream up.  Walking was great in the summer and fall but once winter came....forget it....I hibernate.

After awhile I had a really bad few days of feeling depressed.  I hated the way I looked, the way I felt, how I ached all the time and was winded just taking the 2 flights of stairs at work to get to my work area and also again each time I went to the cafeteria for break.   I felt horrible, money was tight, life in general seemed to suck the big one!  I decided that I was going to do something yet again instead of sitting around crying and risking a relapse.  What did I do?  I surfed the internet!  I was looking for a 'diet and exercise' plan either online or a download program that would allow me to schedule my exercise and plan my meals out in advance.  During the few days of surfing I found all sorts of free advice, programs and online forums, but none seemed right.

Then I came across the "Curves" website**.  They now offered a weight management class and best of all it was free to attend.  More than prepared that they would try to get me to buy all sorts of stuff I enrolled and went but left my purse at home.  I was extremely surprised.  The only thing they said I would have to buy is the weight management book that gives the info on the eating plan and more than enough recipes to feed yourself for the 30days the plan runs for.

Ok, I haven't started the eating plan.  I joined their gym instead.  BEFORE you call me crazy, hear me out.  I wasn't pressured to join the gym, in fact they said I didn't have to.  The gym didn't look like a normal gym so I asked about it.  Their workout is designed to give you not only your cardio workout, but also your weight training in 30 minutes.  Yep 30 minutes.  So I figured I would give that a try......I could fit in 30 mins a couple times a week for sure and the cost was right. 

I was given a 3 week free trail before signing up.  I was also weighed and measured for the weight management plan which they also do for gym members.  My first month I gained 2 pounds but lost half an inch in most places.  My second month I lost 5 pounds and lost 2 inches from my waist, abs and hips AND lost 1% body fat!!  I am very very excited.  I have made some small changes again to the way I eat, but am not following the eating plan yet.  I decided to focus solely on getting familiar with the workout and getting myself 'addicted' to going before I tackled changing my eating.  Again I did not want to take on too much and get frustrated.

So here I am....5 pounds lighter and 2 inches less round LOL.  I am going to make a few more changes to my eating to get that little bit closer to the eating plan before I jump in.  They warned that jumping right in could cause headaches and fatigue for the first week, so I thought if I made more changes before jumping it it wouldn't be as difficult to keep on going.  For 2 months now I have gone to the gym at least 2 times a week.  I plan to try and squeeze in another workout before work once a week, but that is going to be tough to do, so for now I am happy with 2 and editing eating habits.  The greatest thing about this achievement is that I haven't had to give up my true love...pizza!  LOL  I still order out pizza once or so a month, that is my treat after working my 3 night shifts in a row, and I had chocolate over the month because of Easter, but still lost 5 pounds.  While chocolate and pizza are not part of the eating plan and I might have lost more without them, it is nice to know that I won't have to worry about gaining every time I do treat myself so long as I am reasonable.

Well that is all for me tonight.  I am working tomorrow so it is early to bed to read and relax before sleep.


Cheers!



**I am in NO WAY being paid to endorse Curves.  I haven't even told them I am writing about them on my blog, or that I even have a blog.  I am only a woman who has found it is working for me.

Confrontation

A big part of my recovery since returning to work has been to start standing up for myself and not letting others railroad me.  That was certainly put to the test this weekend.  Let me tell you I HATE confrontation.  I typically let others do and say what they will and let it bring me down.  Not anymore.  There is a woman at work who has been giving me a hard time since I joined the team 8 months ago.  She is the type that likes to take credit for everyone else's work, and will shove you down to make herself look better every chance she gets.

I took her abuse for the first few months until she made me cry and almost quit.  That is how much I hate confronting.  Thankfully my immediate supervisor who is also a great friend and co-worker talked to me that day and convinced me not to let her win.  Since that day I haven't confronted per say but I haven't jumped when she said jump etc. 

Now 6 months later she pulled something that infuriated me so much that I was severely shaking with anger.  At the end of our last night shift (which would have been last Wednesday morning) there was an issue on her line with the casepacker she runs.  I had just done some training on the casepacker on my line and my coach called me over to show me what was happening with that one and  allow me to see what causes it.  While the equipment was down, I put my locks on and took a look, without touching anything, and then got out and took my locks off so this 'woman' could get in and fix her mess. What I didn't find out about until Saturday morning is that she proceeded to tell the line leader and anyone else that would listen was that she had the equipment working wonderfully but then I went in and made some changes and then it didn't work anymore!

After I discovered this from a few extremely trusting sources I was furious!  It isn't like she was making fun of my clothes, she was telling some very important people that I was a screw-up.  I have worked very hard to prove myself and learn as much as I can to move up at work and here she was blaming her mess on me.  I decided I was going to confront her on it, but I was going to wait until I calmed down since I didn't want to get myself fired.  Before I confronted her she came over while I was loading material on my casepacker and told me she was having an issue with her casepacker gluing.  I simply said OK.  She then said "I was thinking the nozzles are plugged" to which I said OK.  She continued to prompt me for answers without asking for help so I only said OK and then at the end of her futile prompting....That's nice. and walked away.  I couldn't believe that she would have the gall to 'ask for help, without asking' when she had just finished telling everyone that I had created that mess just the shift before and she had to fix it.  Funny how she was able to fix that problem last time but not this time.....lol  I realize that was probably a petty and childish thing to do, but I was still furious with her.

Later almost the end of the shift, I sucked it up and went over and confronted her.  She denied everything of course, while I wasn't surprised, I was disappointed.  I own up to my mistakes.....why couldn't she???  Anyhow since she continued insisting that she would NEVER EVER do that to anyone blah blah blah.  I told her that I believe everyone deserves a chance to give their side and defend themselves.   I would let it go this time, BUT if this situation came up again I would get our Boss involved.  I am not about to let someone tank my career.

I must admit that afterward I felt good.  I felt as though the world had been lifted from my shoulders and I became happy and was able to have a great time the rest of my shift.  I am hoping she has realized that I am not going to let her get away with treating me badly anymore.  I doubt it, but it is always worth hoping :)  At least I know that I can stand-up for myself.  I can do it professionally and diplomatically.

Well I think that is all for today.....the story doesn't end there of course, but I will tell the rest another day.

To Be Continued...

Happy April Fools Day and that's no joke

Today is a beautiful day.

Life is good today.

This morning I went to Curves again.  I am really enjoying it.  I think I will be able to keep this up.  I can go, do my workout and be back home in 45 minutes.  The time factor makes it so much easier to go.  I used to go to the YMCA, but it would always take so much time and that made it so much harder to go.  I left for the gym at 8:05 this morning, did my workout and stretch came home and took a shower and was ready to go out to do my Easter shopping by 9:20. 

I have to work this Easter, but I do get the Friday off since it is a Stat holiday.  It is always nice to get a day off work and get paid too :)  Unfortunately we have to do the Easter Bunny thing before I leave for work on Sunday, but then my hubby and the kids are going to be going to my in-laws for the day.

Work is going along really well.  My last 2 shifts were night shifts and we ran exceptionally well.  I was able to get some training in and completed yet another step-up card.  I have 3 more that I want to complete as soon as I can.  The "guy" is the same, not doing anything on his own.  All we can do is keep giving the feedback so that when his work assessment comes up he won't be surprised when we tell him he isn't doing well.  I am now part of another cost savings project at work which should be interesting....at least I hope.  My boss recommended me saying that I would do a great job with enthusiasm and rigor.   I have also been asked to re-train a woman coming back from maternity leave.  It is always a good sign when you are asked to train someone and take part in department cost savings.

Weekends

My days off seem to fly by.  This weekend was no different.   Friday was a trip to the gym and relaxing.  Saturday I enlisted the help of my hubby and the kids and we did a major house cleaning.  It is amazing how much bigger the house feels now that all the winter clothes are put away along with everything else.  All the clothes are washed, folded and put away. 

I took a few hours last evening to work on my paper Scrap booking.  It has been a long time since I had been inspired to work on it.  I managed to complete 6 pages.  I am quite happy with how they turned out.  I am still scrapping about Christiane's birth and so have a lot more to go lol, only another 9 years!  Oh well, I enjoy it! Once my craft room is finished in the basement I should be able to work away more often and not worry about a certain Mr Monkey getting into things! (Oh yes there will be a lock on that door!)

Today was going to be a day of scrapbooking for me, but turned into a morning of laundry folding and bedroom cleaning.  That was fine, then as I decided to sit down and get to work on scrapbooking, my dearest daughter tells me about a project that she has to do for school......and surprise surprise it is due on Tuesday!!  Since I am working night shift Monday and Tuesday that left only today to help her start and finish this project.  Ahhh children.  So instead of scrapbooking for me, I worked away and helped Christiane 'scrapbook' a cereal box based on a book.  It really is a neat project and we had fun doing it. (I did have to keep reminding her that it was her project so she needed to do it....not me :p )  After all was said and done, I did manage to do one page, not fully, I still need to add the journalling but the basis is there.

Tomorrow is a sleep day and working nights.  The nice thing about this week is that Friday is a stat holiday so I get an extra day off this week.  It is always nice to have a stat holiday even if it lands on a day shift  :D

So even though this weekend went by so quickly, much was accomplished and I even got some relaxing time in that actually felt relaxing!  My house is closer to being in order (before the chaos that is going to be the basement renovations )

Mood Great
Life Great
Still taking it day by day, but is there really any other way to take it??

Until Next Time
Cheers!

Back to Work

Alarm goes off at 6:15am......I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed.  I dragged myself out of bed, got ready and left for work.  While the day itself was no more stressful that it had been of late...my poor feet and legs screamed at me after the first few hours and then continued the rest of the shift.  To make things worse once I got home and got into bed my legs burned so badly I could hardly stand it!!  That will teach me for taking a vacation LOL.

Outside of my body's rebellion, my mind was glad to be back at work, well at least a little.  I hit the floor to do my shift exchange (that is to talk to the people who ran the line the shift before to find out how things went, things to watch for etc) Anywho....Jason saw me and a great big smile burst out and he gave me a big hug and said "Thank God you're back!!".  and to top it off Joel (my supervisor) must have told me half a dozen times how glad he was I was back.   It is so nice to be missed :)   Things with "Guy" hadn't changed at all while I was gone and so patience is a little thin.  It has gotten to the point where my Line Supervisor no longer enjoys coming to work....which is a huge deal as he loves what we do.  (I do most days myself, especially since I had/have  a great crew to work with)  So we had 2 rough shifts, but made it through.  Last night for the last 2 hours of our shift was our team celebration so we all went out for dinner (company paid yippie) and had a great time.  After dinner a few of us decided to go for drinks.  It was nice and we mostly avoided talking about work.   I stayed out a little longer than I should have since I had to get up with the kids today, but it was worth it.  I'll take a nap a bit later today.


Today, I went to Curves and ran some errands.  I plan on doing some housework, but for the most part I think I will just relax today and worry about the cleaning tomorrow.  I will admit that I was in quite the foul mood this morning and my instinct was to go crazy cleaning the house and put myself in an even worse mood.  But I didn't.....I went to the gym instead and now I feel much better.  While the state of the house still makes me angry, I am choosing to ignore it for now...it will still be there later for me.

Vacation Time

I love vacation time.  But then again who doesn't!!  I opted to take March Break off with my hubby and the kids.  This chews up a lot of my vacation hours but it is worth it!  The first half of my time off we spent visiting my best friend Amy.  She bought a new house in November and I hadn't been able to make a trip up to see it until now.  (It is a 4hr drive)  Her new home is beautiful.  It needs a lot of work, but she and her husband are both handy so the potential is there.  We spent 4 days.  The first day was just a relax, house tour and setup loggings day.  The next day went for a nice walk through part of the city and enjoyed watching our kids playing in the backyard.  The weather was gorgeous.  We also made a trip to Ikea, which is always a lot of fun even though I didn't do any shopping this time.  I did get a lot of ideas though  :)  Our last full day was spent at the local Sugar bush.  Maple syrup is wonderful but Maple Syrup Lollipops are to die for!  The last day was a morning of playing in the yard and helping Amy setup a new computer station, then it was time to get on the road.

I didn't get as much accomplished today as I would have liked, but I'm not obsessing that I didn't.  I did get a plan sketched out (with measurements) for my basement reno project and sent the plans to my friend Dan who is going to help me make it happen.  We also went out as a family and did our huge grocery shop and then came home to relax together.

Tomorrow I plan to get back to the gym and start cleaning/packing up my basement.  The best thing about having the plans on paper is knowing what section to tackle first!  I knew I wanted to build in a bedroom, but didn't know where it was going to go.  Now that that is realized I have to get that area cleared out first.

So for today and the last little while, my mood has been good.  Everyday is a new day, full of new choices and battles.  I am choosing to be happy and enjoy my vacation!!

Life and the Reality of it

It has been difficult lately to stay happy and positive.  Work has been stressful and my brother (well his life/choices) are also a great stress. 

Let me start with work.  A member of the team has come back after being off for 8 months for surgery.  He is 2 years from retirement and has been in the department many years.  My line crew (which is me, my supervisor and a contract worker) has had a difficult time with this.  This "guy" is just not doing the amount of work that is expected of him.  He has been back over a month now and the medical department at work keeps telling us that he has no restrictions and should be able to preform 100%.  So this leaves us feel as though he doesn't want to do the work (he has voiced this several times, but we still hoped there was a medical reason to it)

My supervisor's boss decided to have this "guy" shadow our contract worker as he should be able to do everything he does and more.  "Guy" is not able to keep up even 50% of the time.  Then it was decided that he would shadow me.  While he did better with me (I am not a fast person) he still was only doing 60-70% of the work.  I was/am very frustrated with training someone who doesn't want to learn or work.  I am hoping that something will be resolved while I am on vacation over March Break.   I doubt that will happen, but one can hope.

My brother is an entire other issue.  He is making some really bad choices in his life right now (he is almost 30)  He has lost 2 great girlfriends in the last year and is also getting him in trouble with the law.  I have always been depended on by my parents (and my brother) to keep him going in the right direction.  He had 'issues' back home in school so my parents moved him 8hrs away to live with me.  He almost dropped out of high school, but my fiance at the time helped me get him through school.  It wasn't long after I was married (and pregnant) that we had to get him to move into his own place because of his 'issues'.  Here we are almost 10 years later and I am still in the middle, trying to keep the peace in the family and my brother alive.  This time there is nothing I can do but listen to each side b!tch about the other.   He is almost 30 and not a baby.  I have given him my opinion on a few occasions that were quite blunt but also truthful.  I am very worried and feel helpless.  All I can do is watch and pray that he survives.

On the positive side, work on the whole is going well other than being stressful, my performance is holding steady and climbing.  I am learning a lot and becoming a resource on the team.  This bodes well for me achieving my level 2 sometime in the next year (I hope!)  Money/financial part of life is getting better also.  After my nervous breakdown we accumulated a paralyzing amount of debt.  We are now on the uphill crawl and can actually see the top of the mountain.  It will still be sometime before we are where we actually want to be, but that is only another part of the journey of life.

Welcome!

I am back!  I stopped blogging awhile ago (ok almost 2 years) as I was reaching a point in my recovery where I needed to put all of my focus into myself.   Now I have been back to work full time 2 years.  During the past 2 years I have continued my journey and learned even more about myself!  I was also able to change the thinking of many of my co-workers and surprise them all by proving I was not the person they thought I was.  I also was promoted within the first year of being back to work AND in only 6 months after I had been back FULL time!
I now am preparing myself to share my story during Mental Health Week at my local Psychiatric Hospital this spring to help bring awareness and understanding in the community.  Part of preparing myself will be to share my story and some of my personal journal entries with you.
I want to hear from you!  I hope that I can bring some comfort and understanding to those going through a journey themselves or who know someone who is and would like to be a support.   You are not alone, you are not helpless, YOU CAN be happy again.
I am not a Doctor or health professional.  I am simply a woman who has been through the darkness and has come out into the light.