Change is blowing in the wind.....

Doubt whom you will,  but never yourself. ~ Christian Bovee

Change.....that is really what the company I work for should be called.  :)   The company is going through yet another restructuring.  It goes through it every 5 years or so, and so this is my second time through.  This time is more in the open, at least with those of us techs on the floor.  Anyhow to make this long story short, there is going to be a lot of changes happening which include people moving to new teams, new departments and new roles.  This means that I could be moved anywhere in the plant to do any job and work any shift.   I am not a huge fan of change.  It is not a guarantee that I will be moved.  It is possible that one or more of my team mates, or even team leader could change.  Either way I am going to try very hard to embrace the change and grow with it.  I am writing this so that IF the change first feels difficult, I can come back and read this to remind me that I CAN embrace the change and promised myself that I would try my very hardest to do it.  I will keep you posted on how this works out.  I know I can do it, it is just a matter of how long it will take me to grieve my current happiness and comfort in my team/role and embrace and love my new team.

Outside of work, life is good.  I am working a lot of overtime, so there is not a lot of time other than work and sleep, but it is good.  My kids love to drive me crazy, which of course is their job  :)  My hubby seems to enjoy joining them in the cause, but I guess that is his job too lol.   I am looking forward to this weekend, (which starts tonight for me!) we have no plans, so a weekend of relaxing and getting caught up on house stuff is on slate for me.

My weight on the other hand is a challenge mentally for me (ok physically too).  It has gone up, I am sure that some of it is due to gaining muscle, but I know some is just weight.  It is so very frustrating.  I try so hard not to be hard on myself and stay positive, but it truly is a HUGE challenge for me right now.  Especially at work.  There are full length mirrors in every washroom/locker room and you can't avoid them since they stare you right in the face when you walk through the door.  I have always hated looking in the mirror (even when I was skinny.....man I was silly then) so seeing myself every day at least a few times a day is a constant 'in your face' reminder of how i feel/look.  :(     I wish I could love my body, but I just can't.  I try, believe me I do try, but that is one challenge that I honestly do not want to embrace, own or deal with period.  I want the magic wand, lypo suction, easy fix etc.  Does that make me shallow?  Weak?  Hypocrite?   Most likely, but at the same time that I want that magic wand I also know that I need to win this battle too.

I have been asked a lot of questions since 'coming out' about my journey.
Do I think that people who are suffering from depression are lazy.
    My answer "Absolutely Not", it is a debilitating disease that makes one self destructive.  Your body and mind play tricks on you.  It takes a lot of work, strength and endurance to want to get better.

Do I think that everyone can overcome the challenge?  
    That one is hard to answer.  I would love to say 'Of Course!!'  But as we all know that is not the reality of today.  I honestly believe that it takes a lot of hard work and support from family, friends, doctors and social workers to take on the challenge, BUT I also know that each journey is as individual as a snowflake.

Did I want the magic wand or happy pill?
     Do I really need to answer that?  Of course I did, but I had to come to the conclusion that it didn't exist, I am not a princess in fairy tale land.  Some may not be able to overcome the challenge no matter how much they want it, no matter how much support they have.  Just because we want something bad enough and work our hardest, isn't a guarantee that it will happen the way we want.  If that were the case, no one would die of cancer, be over weight or have pimples as teenagers.  Life is still life, all we can do is live it the best we can.  I wish I were a fairy princess in fairy land, then I wouldn't have been depressed, but then again I wouldn't be me.

Did you think of suicide?
      Yes and No.  Confused?  So was I.   I thought of it, but I also thought of my husband and kids and regardless of how I felt about myself, they love me.  I may insult/offend some people here, but it is my OPINION that suicide is an act of selfishness.  It is also a horrible trick that our minds play on us while we are depressed.  It is like the devil sitting on your shoulder, it often floats through the back of your mind, it is just when it makes it to the front of your mind that it is impossible to ignore.  My understanding, from speaking with my doctors and others who have thought of it and/or attempted it, that most often a suicide is not planned.  Sometimes it is simply a sudden, 'in your face', compelling thought that you just can't ignore, you just 'have to'.  Other times it is planned, it is that constant devil on your shoulder that wears you so far down that you believe that you have no worth, not just to yourself, but others.  This is what saved me, so to speak.  I have a husband that loves me and 2 beautiful children that also love me, so no matter how much that devil told me that I was worthless, I held on to the small thread that they loved me and I couldn't bare to leave my husband a widower and my children to grow up without a mother.  It was my love for THEM that gave me the ammo against that devil and the starting leverage to want to fight back.  I thank God everyday that my hubby fought for me too.  I don't know if I would have been able to find something else worth fighting for if he and the kids had left me too............

Tell your partner or spouse that you love them, hug your kids extra tight if you have them.  Even if you think you are all alone......you're not.  Someone loves you and will fight for you if you give them a chance.

You are not alone, I am here.  Keep walking to the light.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing 
and appreciating what we do have.  ~Frederick Keonig

I survived!

I survived my 5, 12 hour shifts.  It was a very long week.  I could barely stay awake until 9 and then slept 12 hours!  :)  My saturday plans were to stay home and relax all day.  My daughter needed skates for her school trip, we found a used pair and decided to take the drive and go get them.  Then we decided to take a drive.  The drive ended up at a friends' place and we stayed for a visit.  We left their home and ventured over to visit our other friends.  We made it home by 11.  It was mostly a good day, it was only shadowed by the news of another friend's father passing away.  The funeral is tomorrow.....

Today was supposed to be a relaxing morning, followed by a movie with a friend at my place, but turned into a clean my daughter's room and be very frustrated, disappointed and angry day.  This evening turned out better.  I spent some time crocheting the baby gift for my friend's baby, watched a movie and spent a little time surfing the net.  It will be soon time to go to bed, I have a long day tomorrow.  My daughter leaves for her school trip at 7:30am then I have to get ready for the funeral.  After that I have to come home and get some sleep before going to work.  This is my week of nights.  Next week thankfully I only have to work 2 days then I am off for a couple of vacation days while my hubby and the kids are off for March Break.

Well that is my exciting last few days.  It is time to think about getting some reading done before bed.

Have a good night.

It's been awhile....

Wow, my last post was the end of August....  It is amazing how time has flown.  So much has happened both good and bad.

Our family vacation was one of the highlights of the last few months.  Christmas was amazing too.  I had worked a lot of overtime so we were able to get bills caught up and pay for Christmas and do it big this year.  We do it 'big' every year, but this year we did it big and didn't have to sacrifice in order to do it.  We also enjoyed the company of a few of our friends, our parents and my brother.  A house full of people and love.

Work became very challenging and a great stress-or for me.  But I claimed the challenge and owned it AND overcame it.  Work is now know going well.  My new team and I have gotten things figured out and have learned how to work together.  I am back to working a lot of overtime, and while it is still challenging, I am handling it fairly well.  I get tired and cranky, but over all my mood has been good.  I haven't had the trouble with the Jan/Feb blahs this year, but maybe that is just because I am too busy to notice the weather :)

Babies seem to be the popular thing this last month or so.  One of my best friend's daughter is pregnant and is due in August.  I am so excited and helping to get things together for the shower.  She is having a boy and has decided on a Monkey and Lime Green theme for the baby's room.  I made up the invites for the shower and have started to crochet a snowsuit for the baby.  It is supposed to look like a monkey when it is done and to add some fun to it, I made it a sock monkey with lime green stripes vs the red.  The hat is perfect!!  I can't wait for the whole thing to be finished!  AND to top it off this is the first time I crocheted since my breakdown.  I didn't think I would be able to do it, but I took the chance and it came back just like riding a bike!!

My sister-in-law is also pregnant and due the end of September early October.  I am so very excited for them, they have been trying for almost 8 years!!!!  They were in the last stages of adopting, basically getting ready to wait for a match when they found out they were pregnant.  I can;t wait to find out if I am having a niece or a nephew!!  I plan to crochet plenty of things for them  :)

The other baby on the way is my hubby's cousin.  She dropped the news shortly after I learned about my sister in law.  I am happy for her too!  She is pretty excited and has a lot of family support so things should go well for her.  She has to go back to school for her last year just after the baby is born, so that will be hard, but with family to help it will make things easier for her.

Well it is getting late.  I need to get some sleep, I have 5....yes 5.....12 hour shifts to work this week.  The first 4 are my regular shifts but I signed up for the 5th.  I know I will regret it until it is over!  But the pay check should be nice :)  LOL

I hope you are all healthy and happy.

Until next time......

The end of a journey

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." - Jack Layton, July 18th, 1950 - August 22nd, 2011

While my journey continues on, Jack Layton's has ended, he may have gone on to another adventure, I guess it depends on what you believe.  If you don't live in Canada you might not know who Jack Layton was.  He was the leader of our Parliamentary Opposition party, the NDP.  While I did  not necessarily agree with his views, I did admire him for his passion.  He had deep beliefs and fought for them and what he felt was right for Canadians.  The above quote came from  his goodbye letter to all Canadians that he wrote 2 days before his death.  Of course his story is all over the news and to discover that when he knew his time was coming soon he took the time to make sure that the NDP would know where to go from here and on top of it all take a few minutes to write to all Canadians a 'fond farewell' of sorts......

I love his quote.  It truly is thoughtful and true.  If we could all remember to be 'loving, hopeful and optimistic' even during our darkest hour it would brighten the world even if only a little.   

Goodbye Jack and Thank you for all you have done for this country.  We need a great and strong opposition to keep us on the right path and you are the one who gave it to us.  I hope that your legacy will carry on in your predecessor.  Our thoughts and prayers are with your family as they grieve the loss of someone so loved.  

My journey has been interesting of late to say the least.  July was an extremely hectic time at work, full of overtime and stress.  The line I work on is not running as well as it should and so of course makes our jobs so much more difficult, not only to keep the line running and put cases out the door, but also to complete our other tasks AND to make improvements that will help the line run better.  Right now our time is spent 'firefighting' and trying to get through the day.  The last week leading up to my vacation, I was feeling very burned out and had a very very difficult time trying to keep from crashing.

Thankfully I made it to my vacation and had a fantastic time!  While plans changed, changed and changed again at seemingly the last minute, everything worked out alright.  We spent the first week at home 'chillaxin' as I like to call it.  I got some much needed sleep, some housework caught up and started packing for our trip.  We spent 2 days and a night in Quebec at a Zoo/Waterpark.  It was fantastic.  The first day was crazy busy and hot but we still managed to have some fun.  The second day was amazing.  The park was much quieter, it was slightly overcast at times, and we were able to go through the whole park and see all the animals much better than the day before.  We also spent a few hours at the water park just enjoying the sun and the water.  I'm not much of a water person, but I did truly enjoy it  :)  I drove the kids crazy wanting to take their picture on every animal statue their was.  We had a lot of laughs and it was nice being just us.  We came home for a day and then it was off to my In Laws for a couple of days.  We had a wedding to go to (the one I posted about earlier) Then it was time for me to leave my hubby and kids with my in-laws and come back home to an empty house to work 4 LONG night shifts.  I honestly didn't think I would make it through, but I did.  The 3rd night was really tough, but the 4th was alright.  I think a lot of that had to do with it being the last and once it was over I was going back to the in-laws to be with my family again.  I got there Friday morning, had a nap and then went over to the park where the kids were attending daycamp and were having their closing Talent Show celebration.   We were a bit late and had missed my nephew singing, but thankfully they had him sing again at the end (He sang O Canada, so they opened with him and decided to close with him too!)  My daughter sang a song with a new friend and my son did 'Kinetic Art' with another boy.  They setup a circle of blocks standing on their end and then knocked them over.  I was so happy to see them and know they had a good time that week.  The Saturday was a birthday party for my Dad and Brother (Dad turns 60 Sept 6th and my brother 31 on Sept 5)  Their neighbour had us over for a nice little lunch and visit to celebrate early.  It was a nice day.  Yesterday and today were relaxing and getting the yard work done as I go back to work tomorrow for a couple of days.  2 weeks from today is back to school already!  Back to school shopping next week.

I have no idea where my weight/measurements are at.  I am almost positive that I have gained some but I don't think it is too horrible.  I will have to check in on that soon I guess. Right now I am content with still fitting into my jeans lol!

Well that is it for today, I have dinner to get ready and some relaxing to do before bed.  Summer is too short, but on the plus side we have a beautiful Fall season coming and even after that the winter is beautiful too.  I love the Christmas season, but have a hard time getting through Jan and February.  Oh well 2 months out of 12 isn't bad ;)

Till next time...

Love

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

Saturday I witnessed a wedding that truly touched my heart and made it full. 
I am so happy for both of them and wish them a lifetime of love, laughs and happiness.

Not according to plan

You are never a loser until you quit trying. ~ Mike Ditka

I am almost finished my first week of vacation.  I must say that nothing has gone according to plan so far, but in the same breath it has been nice to not have to go to work :)

We were supposed to go camping this weekend with good friends of ours, but they baled on us a few days before.  Then we were going to go to my in-laws for the weekend and take a day to go to my family reunion for the day.  That fell through yesterday.  My in-laws have some guests for the weekend so there is no room for us to stay.  We could still go to my family reunion but it is an awful lot of driving to go for a day.  The other thing is that we have to go to my inlaws on Monday to drop off our dog.  We are planning a trip to a Zoo/Waterpark in Quebec for a few days and my brother-in law agreed to watch our dear Daisy while we are gone.  So to make a trip today and then again in a couple days is too much.  With Gas prices as high as they are and our budget as tight as it is.....it just doesn't make sense to make 2 trips.

I am hoping that our Quebec trip goes well  :)

Yesterday we went downtown to check out a annual festival.  It was so hot, but the music was good, food great, but not a whole lot for the kids.  Sadly at the end of the time my son took a HUGE temper tantrum!  Which is so very much unlike him.  He continued on so much that he ended up getting himself grounded for 2 days.  He hasn't done that since he was little, he was screaming and stomping his feet and crying.  It all started because he played a game and lost, so he started to cry.  We told him that if he was going to cry over losing a game that we would be going home, no smoothie.  Well that is when he lost it.  We did go straight home and he spent the rest of the day with no XBox and will spend today without one too.  If he behaves today then he just might get it back tomorrow.

Next weekend we have a wedding to go to.  It should be a great time.  Then it will be back to work for 4 night shifts for me.  I am not looking forward to going back at all, not just because of the 4 night shifts, but because work has been so stressful.  Our line is not running well and everyone is worn out from the added stress, the extra now mandatory overtime and just pure frustration. 

Oh well I will take it as it comes and do the best I can.

For now I will enjoy today and the rest of my vacation regardless whether it goes according to plan or not. 

I hope you are enjoying your summer as well!