Little reminders

You can not fail without your consent.  You can not succeed without your participation.

Even though I am considered 'Recovered' by the medical world, I still have a tendency to become negative towards myself.  The key is to catch myself and turn it around.  This last few weeks have been somewhat of a challenge in that sense.  The 'after Christmas let down ' is always a tough one, and dealing with the 'high-school' atmosphere at work is another constant challenge.  I am not one of the 'cool kids' and not that I want to be, but it isn't just a case of not being cool, it is that I am ignored/isolated and even belittled.  Although most of it is done behind my back, there is cruelty to my face also, not often, since I keep my distance, but still oh so high-school.

I didn't really notice quite how much this has affected me until this past week.  I have had some little 'reminders' that have added up to a nice kick in the pants for me so to speak lol.  The first came from a woman at work.  I have worked with this woman for a year now, and have a great time with her, but we have never gone past the work stage.  Well she invited me out to a candle party.  I wasn't going to go, but I decided that I would take the chance.  I felt like I was going out on a first date!!  I was nervous and suspicious and just silly really!  I had an amazing time, we laughed so much!  I have been invited to girls night out next week and I am so excited.  The girls there aren't from the cool kids group either and are happy to have me join them :p  It reminded me that I could make friends and have a good time, I was cool to someone.

Another little reminder came from my Aunt's status update on Facebook.  I wear make up so I'm fake. I like to get dressed up so I love myself. I say what I think so I'm a bitch. I cry sometimes so I'm an attention seeker. I talk to men so I'm a slut. I stand up for myself so I'm mouthy. I like my food so I'm fat! Seems like you can't do anything these days without being labeled, so label me because I honestly don't give a crap.. Post this as your status if you are proud of who you are  - This reminded me that no matter what others think, I know who I am and what I am capable of.   Thanks Auntie. 


Then after my last shift at work, which turned out to be another challenging one as things didn't happen quite as they should have and so the 'cool kids' were relishing in the possibility that I could be in trouble.  I knew I wasn't, didn't do anything wrong, but they blew the situation out of proportion and felt I would be.  Yes that hurt......I tried to hold my head up high and laugh it off, but truly the fact that so many of my own teammates wanted to see me fail so badly.....  I stopped and had a conversation with someone on my way out of the plant and was given yet another little reminder......  He reminded me of what I have gone through, what I have achieved and what I have done to help others.  He reminded me that the only reason someone would want to see me fail is pure jealousy and that they few me as a threat and feel the need to be better than me.  Again oh so high school........


My last little reminder was just before typing this post.  I went to visit the ripples pond to see if I could find an appropriate quote for today.......and wow how much more of a reminder could I get!!  When it comes down to it, it is ME who decides my feelings, it is ME who decides what I can achieve and it is ME who chooses how the thoughts of others affects me.  I have re-decided (if that is even a word) that I am going to CHOOSE to live in my bubble and ignore the negativity at work from the so called cool kids and focus on ME, my FAMILY and FRIENDS who accept ME for ME.


Before I go, I also want to give you a quick update on my weight loss journey.  Jan 10th, I had my last weigh in and had gained enough to go back and start Phase 1 of the Curves eating plan again.  I did 1 week of phase one and then started phase 2 last week.  I was also sick last week, low fever,  chills, body aches the whole 9 yards.  I didn't miss work, but I did miss going to the gym the whole week.  Today was my first day back......so I got on the scale prepared to see a huge gain.  I put the scale at my last weight and it hit bottom....hard.  So I backed it up a pound, then another and another.  I lost 5.75pounds!!!!  Yippie!!  My workout was tough, my heart and lungs were screaming at me, but I made it through and am happy to know that missing a week didn't totally destroy my progress.   It goes to show that what I am doing is working and the results prove it.  So now I am 203.25 pounds.  I am celebrating once under the 200 mark and then my next goal will be 175.  At least that is what I am thinking, I may change it to smaller increments, not sure yet.


So I am going to continue to fight every day to be happy, positive and to be confident in myself as well as celebrate my achievements.  Your life is about you......so why let others make it about them?????


Celebrate YOU.

Happy New Year!!

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it ~ Salvador Dali

Happy New Year!
Christmas was absolutely wonderful!!!  Both kids were spoiled this year and we didn't have to take out a second mortgage to do it!  After all they have been through with my journey it is only fair they get rewarded for going through everything they did and still are such amazing kids.

Christmas was spent at home.  My parents and my brother came up Christmas Eve.  We ate pizza and watched movies and visited.  We all went to bed around 10 (well the kids were earlier, but Nicholas refused to go to sleep!) Santa had to sneak in since Nick wasn't asleep and then after Santa left we had Nick come and sleep with us.  (We wanted to get a bit of sleep)  Well at 2am our darling Christiane decided that she had enough sleep and discovered Santa had arrived.  She came down to let us know.  We told her to open her stocking and let us sleep some more.  At 3am, my oh so wonderful hubby (he really is!) decided he was too excited and so we woke everyone else up and opened presents at 3:30am!!!  I went back to bed at 6 and slept till 8 when I had to get up to get the Turkey in the oven.  lol   That was the greatest 2 hours of sleep I've ever had!  A wonderful day of visiting, playing with new toys/games and eating.  I took a page from my mother-in-laws book and have our dinner around 2 or 3 so that I can have clean up done, everyone has had more than junk to eat and we can enjoy a nice dessert later in the evening.  My in-laws came up for dinner too, but had to leave right after as my MIL wasn't feeling well.  It was still a great dinner, the food was delicious, the company just right.  :)

New Years Eve my hubby was tired and somehow had us all in bed at 7:30!!  LOL  The kids went to bed without complaint and even I crawled into bed to read before sleep.  That is when I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 7:30!!! LOL  Oh well, my kids bought me 'Thief' and 'Shades of War' by Sarah-Jane Lehoux for Christmas.  I went to high school with Sarah-Jane and was super excited that she is a published author!!  Honestly if you enjoy a good fantasy/horror novel then you will enjoy her books.  I love her Main Character 'Sevy' she is a self proclaimed 'B!tch' and feels so real.  I finished the 2nd book last night, I hated putting them down and am sad that I have to wait for Masquerade to be published.  Oh well I will re-read Thief and Shades of War just before I read Masquerade.  It will be worth it.

New Years Day we spent with some close friends.  We had a great visit as always.

I assume you are following this blog, out to hear about my 'Oh so exciting life' but to relate to my journey or even journeys.  So I will update you on those too :)

My depression has been mostly controlled.  I had a little of the 'After Christmas let-down' but it was very mild and I was able to get over it quickly.  Back to work is always hard for me.  I find that the plant that I work is full of negativity and unfortunately I tend to be one who absorbs the feelings around me.  I have to try to remain conscience of my mood and work at making it positive.  I think I have been doing alright, but it sure is hard when all you want to do is go home, and so does everyone else :)  

My weight loss journey has been good too.  As you already know from my last post that I lost 9 pounds my first 2 weeks.  Well over Christmas & New Years I gained only 3/4 of a pound!!!  Then last week I gained another 1.5 pounds so I am starting back on Phase 1 for a week.  I guess we will see how it goes.  Today was my first day and I must say that I thought I was going to starve (you are cut back 1000 calories between phase 3 and then phase 1) but it hasn't been too bad.   I am working nights the next 2 days so that will help too :)  So all in all, I am down 6 pounds for the month which is great and healthy too!  I am excited to see how well I do this week.

Well I have a sick little boy to snuggle with.
 Hope your Christmas and New Years were as wonderful as Mine!

Update: My weight loss journey

The best way to cheer yourself up, is to try to cheer somebody else - Mark Twain

The countdown is on.......only 5 days to go!!   I think I am more excited for Christmas than my kids are.  lol 

I'm sorry that I haven't updated you in so long, but I have been busy.  Between work, life, kids and preparing for Christmas, I am just about worn out!!  It is all good though. 

2 weeks ago I started the Curves Weight Management Plan.  I was very hesitant to do it, not because I didn't think it would work but more because I thought that I would tire of the whole 'diet' idea very quickly.  I am not a big 'plan ahead what you are going to eat' person, I like to go with the flow so to speak :p.  The first week also called Phase 1 I did plan ahead and pre-portioned all my food and printed my menus for each day.   I knew that wasn't going to work for the rest of the time.  I started Phase 2 and have been 'flying by the seat of my pants' so to speak and only planning a full day when I am going to be working.  The rest of the time I followed the plan as closely as I could without the pre planning.  And so far it is working :)

Phase 1 was 7 days and I lost 7.5 pounds.
Now a week into Phase 2 I have lost another 1.25 pounds!!!  It sure feels good to see the scale tipping in my favour.  :D:D:D

Now don't for one minute think that I have given up all the foods I love etc.  So this is what has changed.  I now go to the gym 3 days a week regardless if I am working or not.  This does mean that I have to get up and be at the gym for 6am at least once a week, but the other days I go later in the day.  The other big change is I am trying to drink more water/tea, and average 9 glasses a day.  I ate pizza during my first week, which is most definitely NOT on the menu, but I looked online to see how many calories were in a slice and tried to stay as close as I could to the remaining calories, protien and fat that I was allowed.  I got to eat 3 medium slices.....normally I would eat until I felt over full ( I LOVE Pizza! ) but the 3 slices satisfied me just fine.  I also had a can of pop, another big no no, but I knew that if I denied myself all my favorites then I wouldn't stick to it anyways.  So all that and I still lost 7.5lbs that week.  Not bad eh?

So week 2.....I had a Christmas dinner at work, I allowed myself decent portions, ate until I was satisfied and had a small piece of Chocolate for desert.  Yesterday was a family Christmas dinner, and I allowed myself quite a few treats, but spread out over the day and again a good meal without over stuffing myself and today the scale tells me another 1.5pounds......I am very happy with myself.

I am not going to worry about what I am eating Christmas day at all, I am just going to drink my water, eat until I am satisfied and enjoy dessert too.  Even if I gain a few pounds I know that I can refocus on the plan and get it off again.

In other news...my Doctors that have helped me along my Journey, have nominated me for an Inspiration Award!  The award is given to 2 people who have not only had their own journey, but who have worked to help educate people on Depression/Anxiety and break the stigma surrounding it.  I had no idea such an award existed, and even less so consider myself one for the running.  The award will be presented in March.  Who knows if I will be chosen, but as they say it is an Honour to be Nominated!!

In all aspects, Life is good.  I am unbelievably excited for Christmas this year.  I can hardly wait!  I know I am going to have to take a sleeping pill that night to make sure I get some sleep!!

I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas!!

Cheers!

Time flies!

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.” ~ Albert Einstein
Wow times sure does fly!!  I can't believe it has been so long since the last time I posted.
Life has been generally great for me.  My kids had a great Halloween, and my hubby and I got to enjoy it this year too!   Since my time off, our financial situation has been very difficult to say the least.  Things are getting easier as time passes and we have finally gotten to a point where we could consolidate and reduce our monthly payments.  We now have some breathing room and even some cash between pay days.  It sure does feel nice, and makes the holidays so much easier to enjoy.  Halloween was the first, and to celebrate we bought great costumes for the kids this year.  My son was Frankenstein's Monster, and my daughter was a witch.

Now here we are almost the end of November and Christmas is just around the corner.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  It was the only holiday we truly celebrated when I was growing up.  While every Christmas with my kids has been special, it is so wonderful that this year we can buy exactly what we want for the kids without having to break the bank.

Earlier this week I went to spend a few days with my best friend.  We had a great visit except that she became sick the 2nd day I was there.  :(  I had a good time none the less playing with the kids and just visiting. 

Well I am off to relax for awhile, been busy super cleaning the house today.  lol  Don't worry it really truly did need it!

Cheers!

Just Get Over It ~ Update

A Journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step = Lao-Tzu

Here are the links to the article(s) again. 
Part 1: http://www.recorder.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2793226
Part 2: http://www.recorder.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2794895
I learned the other day that a condensed version of the article was on the front page of the Recorder and Times Extra - The free once a week paper they publish.
The Free Recorder and Times Extra: http://www.recorder.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?archive=true&e=1716970

I am still overwhelmed by the response that I am still receiving regarding my speech!  I came home from work on Sunday night to the phone ringing.  When I answered I was shocked that it was someone who had read the article in the paper and was so touched by it that he had to call.  He was an older gentleman and his wife has battled with schizophrenia for more than 40 years.  He was happy to see a 'happy story'.  Then again today while I was at the gym I was thanked by a woman for speaking out and that the story was very well written.  I am still stopped at work a few times a day but someone congratulating me on speaking out.

I must admit it is quite exciting :)  I also am shocked at how many people not only read the article but also have been affected by it.  Especially those who don't know me and take the time to write, call or find me on facebook, as well as those who have stopped me in person while shopping etc.  It is touching and is also saddening and comforting all at the same time.  I am touched that people are receiving it so well, I am saddened that so many people 'get it' and am also comforted that I am not alone, and am getting so much positive feedback from this experience.  I was fearful of how people would react towards me afterward.  So far only the positive has reached me, and for that I am thankful.

In other news... lol, life at work is as dramatic as ever but home is wonderful.  My kids are doing well, growing like weeds!!!  With Halloween just around the corner they are getting excited about Trick or Treating :)  Myself I can't help but get excited about Christmas!!  I love Christmas and I think this year is going to be extra special.


I hope your life is going well.  If it isn't and you are getting to the end of your rope......just tie a knot and hang on!!!  Life is worth living :)

Another day of surprises

Mediocre people do exceptional things all the time... - OK Go

Today is another good day.  It started out with a sick little boy, whom I suspect has just missed being home with Mommy, and has become a pretty great day!  

Once my husband came home from doing his bus run he asked if we wanted to go out for Breakfast and then get the groceries.  My son who has a stomach that can never be filled, jumped at the opportunity to go to his favorite breakfast spot.  It is right beside the train station and it was always our favorite spot to take the kids when we first moved here as the idea of missing a train going by would keep them relatively well behaved lol.  Anyhow turned out that they were very happy to see us.  Our favorite waitress immediately came over and said she had seen us in the paper.  She also told me she was so thankful for me sharing my story.  She had no idea that I had been going through such a rough time over these past few years she has known me.  She also went on to tell me how her daughter is going through very much the same thing I have.  She asked me if I would be willing to talk with her daughter.  I told her I would be more than happy to, that if I could help her I would, but I am not a Doctor and definitely not magical just someone who "Gets It".

I was also asked yet again if I would be willing to start a support group.  I am so surprised every time I get asked this!  But at the same time I do understand as when I was on my journey there were all sorts of support groups for the families and for addiction sufferers, but nothing for those suffering of depression or anxiety.   I am considering talking to my Social worker  at our next visit and see if there is anyway of getting some support from the Hospital or the Addiction Resource Centre to get something started.  I would love to get involved and help something get off the ground etc, but at this time I still work 12hr shifts and full time plus I have my own recovery to be aware of so I don't want to risk spreading myself too thin, so would rather not tackle something this big completely alone.

Well, I think I will go and unload and reload my dishwasher.  Now that we have our 'Smart Meters' for hydro my husband doesn't want me running the dishwasher during the day.....I have to wait until bedtime to start it or get up extremely early to get it started....and same goes for laundry!  If they keep raising the cost we will be sleeping all day and living at night lol!!

Anyways, hope you are having a great day!!

No words can express........

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.  ~Sally Field

I am so completely overwhelmed by the response from my speech!  I knew that it was important and that it would help others in a way that I wasn't helped, but I had no idea that I would touch another person's life in such a personal way.....

Yesterday I went to visit my in-laws with my husband and kids for Thanksgiving Dinner.  (We live in Canada eh? lol)  We had a lovely visit and an amazing dinner (Thanks Mom!)  As a tradition we go around the table and each say what we are most thankful for this past year.  With all of the recent discussion around my speech, illness etc I said again that I am most thankful for my family and friends and the amazing support they gave me during one of the hardest times of my life.  Especially to my wonderful husband who chose to stay by my side and sacrificed so much to help me recover. 

We came home late last night so I didn't check my mail box for any newspapers or flyers, but this morning when my husband woke up he went to get them.  Much to my surprise the Saturday Recorder and Times was waiting for us with a note from our delivery woman "Great article guys!!"  I knew to expect an article in the paper, but I had no idea it would be this soon...  AND I definitely had no idea that it would be on THE FRONT PAGE!!!!  I opened the paper so that I could turn through the pages and there just below the leading story was mine....the Saturday profile 'Mental Illness can strike anyone'.  My husband had to read the article to me, I was still in shock.  At the end of the article were the words ( "Road to Recovery" continues on Tuesday, Oct. 12.)  WHAT??!!  Another part to the article??  OMGoodness!  I could not believe it.  I expected a short column story somewhere in the back pages of the paper, but the Front Page?????? much less another part???


My shock does not end here....oh no....not at all.....  :)
I spent the rest of the day simply relaxing with my family.  I did call my parents to let them know I had indeed made the paper (and to stroke my ego just a little, I informed them it was the front page and another part to come!)  But there was nothing to prepare me for the surprise I just received.  As I came down to get ready for bed, read a little before going to sleep.  My husband asked me if I checked my e-mail.  Which of course I hadn't.  I had a friend request on facebook from someone......without revealing his name this was the content of the message:  "Hello April. I read the article in the Recorder and Times. You are a very courageous lady. It took about 30 minutes for my eyes to dry. As a depression survivor I thank you for sharing. Hugs"

Someone not only felt that what I had to say meant something to them, but it meant enough for them to look for me on Facebook??? 

Needless to say I accepted his friend request.  I must say I am excited, shocked and honoured all at the same time along with a billion other emotions!  What I did has become so much more than I ever expected.....



For tonight, I am going to try to sleep.  Tomorrow I will try to sort out all these emotions!!


Happy Thanksgiving to all those here in Canada, and for those who are not celebrating Thanksgiving, I wish you love, happiness, hope and many things to be thankful for...


Good night