Pain is temporary, Quitting lasts forever - Lance Armstrong
I've had a glimpse of my possible future. I can't say I love it, I can't say I hate it either. It is more of a sense of loss and frustration.
Ok let me back up a bit and explain. Tuesday my Dad had hip replacement surgery. That in itself is not a huge deal. My parents asked me if I could come and stay with them for the week to help out. My Mom had a severe nervous breakdown years ago and has never truly been treated and refuses to get treated now. She was given some meds which she takes, but no therapy etc. So anyhow she can drive but chooses not too and so is now so nervous about driving anywhere but close to home (I'm talking blocks here) she can't. Dad's surgery was in the next city a half hour away. So here I come 2hrs away to bring Dad in for his surgery. Then over the next few days drive Mom back and forth to visit until he was released a day early on Thursday. Ok so my mom is falling apart with worry. Dad is fine, more than fine, healing better than expected and is having a lot less pain than expected. I have made sure all the bills are paid, that she has cash from the bank (doesn't like to use her debit card) dealt with the insurance company since they don't cover 2 of his life saving medications, scheduled his follow-up appointment and arranged for my husband to come to take Dad with our van not only for comfort but also because Mom won't drive. I have picked up meds, odds and ends groceries. Helped Dad with his exercises, made sure he has everything he needs and coached mom on what she needs to do once I go home. Thankfully my dad's brain wasn't affected by the surgery so he can help her with what he needs as far as help in and out of bed etc. But she is worried about the silliest (silly to me anyhow) things like not being able to get the vacuuming done, not doing something the way Dad would do it etc. She is worried she will 'mess things up' and feels like she has no choice but to fail, she has quit before even starting.
She is such a strong woman. If she would only try. She refuses to let me get her into therapy to help her cope with her OCD and be able to relax. She doesn't want to learn how to use her interac card, she doesn't want to be better at driving, she doesn't want to know how to do anything other than what she does now. She is afraid to fail so she won't try. She is completely dependent on others except for her own personal grooming. Sadly I had to tell her that she can't depend on Dad always. Someday he may not be there. I also told her that if that happened, and I didn't feel she could live on her own or take care of herself enough to live with me then I would have to put her in a home. I work full time and so does my hubby so we can't baby-sit her. I think the thought scared her, and as much as I hate to do that to her, it is often the only way to get her motivated.
She has taken the car out twice since I had that talk with her. Once to go to Bible study by herself (and my Mom NEVER goes anywhere by herself, Dad is always with her) she also went to pick up milk, she paid cash but she drove to the store and bought the milk by herself! I was so proud of her! It seems strange that I am mothering my own Mom.....but I guess that is how life works. For now I have tried to reassure her that the world won't end if the dishes don't get done or the vacuuming or anything for that matter. I told her to focus on Dad and herself. My brother lives/owns the house where they are living so he can help make sure the house doesn't fall around their ankles. One thing at a time and one day at a time. Food & Water, pain management and breathing for both her and Dad, the rest can wait.
My glimpse into the future was of caring for my parents. My Dad won't be so bad, he is used to being independent. It is my Mom that saddens me. I know she has so much more potential and she is wasting the gift of life she has. I also don't know if I could handle seeing everyday where I would be if I hadn't worked so hard and long to recover and be the person I am.
So tomorrow I go home. I'm nervous about leaving, but I am sure they will be fine....but I can't help but worry, I guess that is what children and mother's do.....
